Written by the Frozen Shape Collective (Nick McCorriston, David Finnigan, David Shaw)
Download Random Fight Encounter as a Word doc.
A FIGHTER and a THIEF emerge on stage.
FIGHTER: you seem disquieted.
THIEF: I have not travelled in these hills before. I have been warned against it. The dwarves in Callahan mine say that there are knoblins and goles up here.
FIGHTER: the dwarves of Callahan mine are rarely wrong. We shall take great care.
THIEF: I begin to wonder, Fighter, whether this treasure is truly worth it.
FIGHTER: of course it’s not.
THIEF: of course it’s not?
FIGHTER: what are we stumbling around on this hill for? the final battlefield of the Boks-Terroks war?
THIEF: they’ve never found the body of Boks-Teroks. they’ve never found his crown.
FIGHTER: I suspect not. It was probably trampled into the mud during the battle. What I’m saying is, if we’d taken on that job guarding the caravan through Mungle Desert, we’d-
THIEF: You would have bitched and moaned the whole way. You know how much you hate guarding caravans – and you’re not shy about telling people, either.
FIGHTER: so instead, I’m climbing the Rap-ska hills with you and the Mage in search of one muddy crown.
THIEF: you don’t understand a bloody thing you’re told, do you? do you remember history lessons in the Fighters’ Guild?
FIGHTER: I remember sleep.
THIEF: Boks-Teroks was the richest of all the Dark Princes. His crown was made for him by the Wolf-Mage of Nagagor!
FIGHTER: The naked demon-lord! That crown must be hell-deep in curses.
THIEF: Probably. But more to the point, I know a woman who wishes to buy it, and she has offered us three pieces of gold and a Belt of Slaying.
there is a moan from offstage
MAGE: help me! I can’t walk!
THIEF: What is the matter?
MAGE: will you stop running ahead of me? how can I keep up with you?
FIGHTER: walk faster.
MAGE: I’m in my robes. when I take a step, it chafes and burns. every step I take is scratching the inside of my legs to pieces.
THIEF: well if you didn’t want chlamydia, perhaps you shouldn’t have spent the night with that serving wench in the last inn.
MAGE: I didn’t – I mean she didn’t-
FIGHTER: oh, jesus. can we ditch him, please?
THIEF: I’d love to, but we’re gonna need him when we get to the Battlefield. he has to cast SEAL OF THE MERMAID-
FIGHTER: yeah, look, I haven’t played this before, so if you mind not telling me how it ends…?
MAGE: can I have the healing potion?
FIGHTER: you want the healing potion? that’s for when one of us is at death’s door, you monkey, not for when you’ve got a slight case of testicle tickle.
MAGE: It’s not an STD! I’ve actually got a really upset tummy, so-
THIEF: just give him the bloody potion.
the FIGHTER gives the MAGE the potion. the MAGE drinks it down.
MAGE: plus sixteen health points! oh, man, that feels better. I can touch myself again…
THIEF: you know, it’s a little too quiet around here. I don’t like this at all…
the THIEF slaps her neck.
THIEF: what was that? a poison dart? we’re under attack!
2 crappy goblins run out from hiding. they line up against our heroes and draw their weapons. the FIGHTER draws his sword, the THIEF her knife, the MAGE wields his staff. everyone stands there swaying.
GOB 1: the foolish humans have wandered into a trap!
GOB 2: Ahahahaha! They’ve certainly fallen into our trap!
GOB 1 runs to THIEF, strikes her with his sword. Then runs back to its original position and starts swaying again.
THIEF: Get off me, you sod! Oh, god, he’s punctured me!
GOB 2 runs to FIGHTER, strikes him with his sword. FIGHTER blocks most of the damage. GOB 2 runs back to its original position, as do all the characters after their attacks.
FIGHTER: he’s punctured you?
THIEF: he’s put a hole in my skin and my insides are coming out through it.
GOB 1: Victory is mine!
GOB 1 runs to THIEF, strikes her with his sword.
THIEF: For god’s sake! you get two turns in a row?
GOB 2: We have the advantage of surprise!
GOB 1: We certainly surprised you!
GOB 2 runs to FIGHTER, strikes him with his sword.
MAGE: Guys, there’s something wrong with my keyboard. I can’t get my feet to move.
THIEF: That’s cause they ambushed us. We can’t run from this encounter.
MAGE: I wanna run. Come on guys, let’s bail. These guys aren’t part of anything. This is a random fight encounter, we don’t need it for the quest.
THIEF: Yeah, but we walked into it, and now we’re in it we can’t leave it. oh, god, that hurts.
FIGHTER: You’re really badly hurt.
THIEF: Yeah, I’m leaking my innards something chronic. I’m gonna get you little punks.
THIEF staggers around behind GOB 1, barely manages to swing a knife at it, then slinks back.
FIGHTER: Ah, my feet. I can move again. I hate waiting for my turn. All right, boys, who wants to get it?
THIEF: Don’t start grandstanding to knoblins. Just do it.
FIGHTER: All right, you.
FIGHTER runs to GOB 1, strikes him and does him some real damage.
GOB 1: oh, I’m meated!
GOB 2: you’re not meated yet! look, you can still wave your flail about! wave your flail about!
GOB 1: it’s bringing me no joy.
GOB 2: I’m sorry to hear that. I remember when you would wave it in the air and be happy.
GOB 1: That was before I was sliced in the belly by a sword.
GOB 2 (to FIGHTER): You bastard. You tough guy bastard.
MAGE: Guys! Guys, I can move again. I’ll see you back at camp.
THIEF: Mage! Don’t waste your turn trying to leave! Give us a bloody hand here.
FIGHTER: Cast a healing spell.
MAGE: but they haven’t touched me.
FIGHTER: Are you trying to rile me up?
THIEF: Heal me. Cast your spell.
MAGE: No, listen, that’s not gonna work. We’re gonna need to be strategic about this, all right? If I heal you, then straight away it’s that thing’s turn. He’s gonna come straight over and cut you right back down to where you are now. We gotta take this fight to the source. We have to incapacitate them so they stop incapacitating us.
FIGHTER: Are you insane? are you typing this garbage with your nose? heal her!
MAGE: Nah, check this out. You’ll like this. I now cast: Psychic Slaybow!
MAGE stares very hard at one of the Goblins. It stares back, unimpressed.
GOB 1: Can I go now?
GOB 1 runs to FIGHTER, strikes him with his sword. FIGHTER is really hurt now but tries not to show it.
GOB 1: sweet! I think I really hurt him!
GOB 2: that is good. we should kill him dead for what he’s done to us.
GOB 1: that’s what we were planning to do before we even saw him.
GOB 2: that’s what we’ve been planning to do since we came into existence – about 220 seconds ago.
GOB 1: you’re right. we snapped into being fully formed and totally aware and you shot out a poison dart.
THIEF: You fools. If you kill us, you’ll cease to be. We are your reason for being.
FIGHTER: All you are is a random fight encounter. You don’t exist unless the game decides we need to have a battle with some random crappy monster.
GOB 2: or the game decides you need to be killed by some random crappy monster.
GOB 2 runs to THIEF and slays her.
THIEF: Oh! he’s gutted me!
MAGE: You’re not exactly bleeding, though, are you?
THIEF: It hurts… so much…
MAGE: Yeah, but the graphics aren’t exactly photo-realistic, are they? okay, you feel like you’re dying but all I can see is a bit of red. I hate in games when they cheap out on the wounds. We’ve got this sensational skyline and skin I can pinch, but when you die you just get a big red line on your belly.
THIEF: I… die.
FIGHTER: Thief! Thief! How dare you!
FIGHTER runs to GOB 2, kills it.
GOB 2: I… die. My only regret is that I have… no… individual personality.
FIGHTER: See you in hell, maggot!
GOB 1: Goblin 2! You bastard! He was my only friend!
GOB 1 runs to FIGHTER, kills him.
MAGE: Fighter, are you all right?
FIGHTER: I’m dead, you monkey.
MAGE: I’m okay, I can finish him off!
FIGHTER: I don’t care what you can do, I’m dead. I’ve spent months on this bloody character. I will come back for you, you little ponce.
MAGE: Chill out, man, it’s a game-
FIGHTER: I will start a new character and I will build my stats and I will come looking for you. Okay?
MAGE runs at GOB 1 and hits him with his staff until GOB 1 falls down dead.
GOB 1: I… die. My only regret is that I have… no… individual personality.
VOICE–OVER: Mage, you have gained enough experience to go up a level. You may allocate twelve points to increase your statistics. Which attributes would you like to enhance?
VOICE–OVER: Charisma enhanced. Which other attributes would you like enhanced?
MAGE: Charisma. Spend it all on charisma. You can never have too much charisma.
MAGE becomes handsomer and more appealing as the lights go down.
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