weasel and brown on the beach

Download Weasel and Brown on the Beach as a Word doc.

Produced in 2005 as part of BKu‘s Duofest. From Emma Gibson’s CityNews review:

Joel Barcham and Julia Hetenyi did a good job with a bizarre (written by David Finnigan) performance piece which made fun of technical problems. Kudos to Julia for wearing a bikini. In winter. In Canberra. And she didn’t even shiver!


Joel Barcham and Julia Hetenyi as Weasel and Brown in BKu’s 2005 Duofest

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BLACKOUT THERE IS NO LIGHT NO LIGHT IT’S BLACK BLACK BLACK OUT

 

brown

What are you doing with that mirror, Weasel?

 

weasel

I’m reflecting the moonlight.

 

brown

What moonlight?

 

weasel

I’m reflecting the moonlight shining down on us right now, Brown.

 

brown

What moonlight?

 

weasel

the moonlight shining down from patchpoint 24. from patchpoint 24. the special with the blue gel.

 

brown

there’s no moonlight, Weasel.

 

weasel

there’s no moonlight, brown. you’re right on the button there. unfortunately, this scene needs moonlight to progress. I was trying to subtly hint to the lighting crew to turn the moon on without making it too obvious that they’ve cocked up.

 

brown

you’ve got to improvise around this stuff, Weasel.

 

weasel

I would improvise, I am improvising, it’s just hard to improvise in complete darkness.

 

brown

we need to get their attention up in the bio box.

 

weasel

precisely.

 

brown

I’ve got it! worry not, Weasel old chum, I’ve got it covered!

 

weasel

what’s the idea?

 

brown
I’ve figured out a way to repair this cock-up using LEGITIMATE THEATRE. this is a little trick I call audience participation. Okay, boys and girls, it looks like God has fallen asleep on the job and forgot to make the moon come up. We’d better wake him up. Okay, on the count of three, we’re all going to say together: “Wake up, Mr God!” All right, when I count three, everyone as loud as you can. One, two, three: WAKE UP, MR GOD!

 

nothing.

 

weasel

I coulda told you that was going to happen. Nup, we’ll have to throw something at them. Here. Throw this.

 

brown

What’s this?

 

weasel

Throw it at the bio box?

 

brown

What is it?

 

weasel

Don’t keep hold of it, fool, throw it now!

 

there is a scream from the tech box. lights come up for a moonlight beach scene. brown is dressed in swimming gear.

 

weasel

Now that’s improvisation.

 

brown

No it’s not. That whole scene was in the script.

 

weasel

No it wasn’t.

 

brown

Yeah it was. I’ll show you, gimme your script.

 

weasel

what are you talking about? I don’t carry my script on stage.

 

brown

yeah you do, it’s right here.

 

weasel

No it’s not. No it’s not. Brown, get off, get off me!

 

brown wrestles weasel’s script out of his coat.

 

weasel

Fine. I can’t improvise, is that what you want to hear? that whole scene was scripted. these lines right now are scripted. I can’t walk on stage without a script in my coat. Are you happy? can we start the scene? top of page 3. Brown says: “What are you doing with that mirror, Weasel?”

brown

What are you doing with that mirror, Weasel?

 

weasel

reflecting the moonlight.

 

brown

why?

 

weasel

Somewhere out on that water is a patrol boat for the Australian coast-guard. they’re on the lookout for smugglers. when they see evidence of a smuggling operation they’re obliged to investigate. Now when they see me flashing this light, they’re going to assume I’m guiding in a smuggling boat. They’re going to come and investigate.

 

brown

What do we tell them when they get here?

 

weasel

I don’t think it’ll come to that, Brown. this particular cove is full of sharp, sharp rocks. if they try to land their patrol boat, it’ll be smashed to smithereens.

 

brown

You might say – they’re in for a sharp surprise.

 

weasel

Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah! Good one, Brown! Now start warming up. I want you in the water as soon as we net ourselves a fishy.

 

There is the crunching sound of a ship being eaten by rocks.

 

weasel

Go on, Brown! Get out there!

 

Brown lunges into the aisle between the audience. she slithers on her belly down to the back where she wets her head in a bucket of water. lying half drowned by the bucket of water is a sailor. Brown grabs the sailor by the neck and struggles back to Weasel with him. the sailor gets to his knees and coughs up water, choking and spluttering.

 

Sailor

Thank you, oh god thank you, you’ve saved my life!

 

weasel sprays the sailor in the face with capsicum spray.

 

weasel

nice catch, Brown. he’s a big one, looks healthy and fit. now let’s saw him open and get out his kidneys.

 

brown

you what?

 

weasel

skin him, Brown! we’re going to slice out his inner organs and sell them on the black market. that’s the business we’re in.

 

brown

weasel, I’m not cutting open a live human.

 

weasel

why not? morals, compassion, nervousness, embarrassment, legality, love?

 

brown

all of them

 

weasel

fuck em all! don’t sell sell sell that shit to me! you know you got my sympathy but don’t spin spin spin that crap at me-

 

brown

screw you, cripple.

 

weasel

oh yeah?

 

very slowly, weasel raises a finger and points it in brown’s face. she opens her mouth to speak but is frozen as he pushes his finger into her open mouth. he doesn’t touch her teeth/tongue/anything, his fingertip is just there.

 

weasel

it’s my index finger, brown. if you’re such a big girl, why don’t you – bite – it – off?

 

she is tipped backwards and forced to her knees.

 

weasel

not nice. not nice. you know julia really didn’t enjoy rehearsing this bit of the scene. she did not like it one bit. after a little while I started to get into it. are you enjoying it?

 

weasel releases brown and she stares up happily.

 

brown

you’re my best friend, weasel. my very best.

 

weasel

thank you, Brown. you’re… quite good as well. now how about cutting this sucker open?

 

brown

for sure!

 

weasel

we move forward!

 

brown

yes forward!

 

weasel

keep on rocking every day!

 

brown

we move forward!

 

weasel

yes forward!

 

brown

keep on rocking every day!

 

weasel

bodies, brown. bodies, bodies, bodies.

 

brown repeats bodies, bodies, bodies in a steady rhythm and weasel raps over the top.

 

weasel

bodies, brown. fields of corpses. bodies up and bodies down. bodies twitching and bodies clicking and bodies grooving and bodies dead. bodies, brown. fields of corpses. women picking through the rubble pulling out their hair. insects digging under the skin and ants go marching over the bodies. cracking bodies, squirming bodies, dead flesh up and the spirit down. food goes in and clothes come off and babies sprout out and babies are bodies are babies are bodies… Go, Brown.

 

brown

Bodies for the underclass!

bodies for the telepaths!

the people – united – shall never be the bodies!

the old get old and the young get stronger

may take a week and it may take longer

they got the guns but we got the bodies

we want the world and we want it-

 

weasel

Now.

 

weasel lights a water-pipe and takes a long, bubbling drag.

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