cop drama


ebb              Make it the television. Bring with a cop drama.

nes               What country of origin?

ebb              The United States.

nes               Yes that’s right Ebb, I concur. Their plots and characters are awful bordering on insane but their camerawork

ebb              It’s pretty.

nes               It’s twenty thousand dollars a minute pretty. I swear the lighting in these cop dramas is so good you could crinkle their shiny foreheads like paper

ebb              Now shut up. Here we go. What do you call this?

amp             It’s a guy and a girl walking.

ebb              Yes but what do you call that?

amp             A guy and a girl walking.

ebb              Wrong! Not because you’re factually wrong, but because there’s so much more going on you haven’t mentioned.

nes               Like they’re in a police station. They’re police officers. Probably detectives because of the suits. They’re on some kind of case, they’re discussing it while they walk.

amp             Why is it a police station? It looks like an office.

ebb              Yes. It’s probably the same set they use to film lawyer dramas. It’s meant to be a police station right now.

nes               It’s portraying a police station.

ebb              That’s right.

nes               The studio is playing the part of a police station

ebb              It’s like the studio is an actor playing the role of the cop shop. But unlike the other actors, the producers haven’t bothered making it look anything like what it’s supposed to be.

nes               Yes they have! Look where they’ve walked to – how many office buildings have a forensics lab in them?

ebb              Is that a forensics lab?

nes               Well it’s a body on a table and a guy picking at him with a scalpel.

amp             I don’t know if police stations usually have walk in forensics labs just behind the water cooler.

ebb              Well if the detectives need information about a dead body and they need it now-

nes               That’s right, this guy with the labcoat and the knife has important information and it can’t wait.

ebb              It impacts on the case

nes               Clearly.

amp             Okay, the victim was a black market diamond trader.

ebb              Why?

amp             Apparently the grit in the victim’s eyes contains traces of soil which is only found in African diamond mines. He must have been appraising some new stolen diamond to add to his collection, he held it up to the light and blew the dust off – oh! A couple of grains get caught in his eyes. And then he was killed.

nes               But this raises as many questions as it solves!

ebb              It certainly does. For instance – where is the diamond that this man died for? Why wasn’t it at the scene of the crime?

amp             It might have been. We haven’t heard any of the plot, we don’t know what’s going on.

ebb              I’m pretty confident that the diamond is out there somewhere – and when they find that diamond, I think they’ve found their killer.

nes               Wait, check it out – the boy detective’s had a hunch!

ebb              What kind of a hunch?

amp             He just asked ‘Was there a set of speakers in the room when Daniel Caine was killed?’

nes               And the female detective says ‘I think so, why?’ and he runs out of the room without saying anything.

ebb              Where might this be leading?

nes               It’s too early to say, Ebb, but I’m confident that these guys can g et to the bottom of this before the killer strikes again.

ebb              Well they’d better, because right now the tension in this city’s crackling in the air like electricity, and if Officer Squarejaw and Detective Pinup don’t find the man responsible, I think the whole south quarter might blow.

nes               Riots?

ebb              I’m afraid so.

nes               Holy shit? Who’s this?

amp             This is the other wing of the investigation.

nes               They’re in some kind of technological jungle! Look at all those computer screens!

amp             He’s the computer geek.

ebb              Which makes her the hot, available younger detective.

nes               I’d like to detect her!

ebb              Don’t! Behind that bubbly, playful exterior is a serious, dedicated young woman trying to make a difference in the struggle against murderers.

nes               Which is only fair, after her daddy was shot by that pimp on the street that time.

ebb              Yeah, that was a turning point for young miss girl. Her dad, a dedicated street cop who kept his beat clean for twenty eight years-

nes               -and she loved him. She was always Daddy’s little girl –

ebb              And she was the apple of his eyes, you better believe it. When a man like that gets shot in the street by a pimp-

nes               -a pimp on crack-

ebb              -a crackpimp, it’s gonna affect you. Now don’t get me wrong, she’s got a heart of gold, but if four-eyes here tries to make a joke with her about how she can punch his keyboard or whatever, she’s gonna freeze him with those cold eyes-

nes               Cut the crap, Lucas! What have you got from the security footage?

amp             Something about the jacket the murderer was wearing. Watch, he’s zooming in.

nes               The computer is highlighting the seam on the jacket the murderer was wearing. The murderer’s jacket seam is slightly torn! But what can that tell us?

amp             Wait for it, he’s got a special program that analyses the image of the jacket seam from the security footage and compares it with other images of other jacket seams.

ebb              Seambot!

nes               Oh, Seambot, you crafty program! Is there no seam you cannot analyse?

ebb              Wait, he’s found a match! What’s this?

amp             Footage from the airport. Arrivals off Flight 612, fifty five hours ago.

ebb              Five hours before the murder. But wait, look at that jacket – the seam – it cannot be!

nes               Yes! Seambot has found a perfect match! 100% correlation between the two seams!

ebb              But that means…

amp             It’s the same jacket.

ebb              But that means…

amp             The guy in the airport getting off Flight 612 is the same guy as in the security camera footage from the murder scene.

nes               Then they’ve found the murderer!

amp             Can I just point out how insane this Seambot program is? We’re talking about a program that looks for a particular configuration of pixels and somehow turns that into a perfect computer model of the seam of someone’s jacket that you saw in shitty security camera resolution, then the program goes through every frame of every piece of surveillance footage from the whole city from the whole last week and finds a match within ten seconds?

nes               It’s Seambot.

amp             Look, see how when they zoom in on the man’s shoulder and the image gets sharper the closer they go?

nes               It’s-

amp             They zoom around the back of his shoulder. You can’t zoom around things when you’ve got a fixed camera! The security footage can’t see through flesh and bone!

ebb              Looks like the computer geek disagrees with you, Amp. Now who should I believe? On the one hand there’s Amp, who knows how to change the background on his desktop. On the other hand, there’s a professional whiz-kid computer prodigy working for the police department in a major city, probably Houston or Atlanta or Ohio State, who can go from security camera footage of a guy in an airport to getting that guy’s passport details, name, address and criminal record in twenty seconds flat.

nes               So where’s this guy from?

amp             Apparently Flight 612 was from Africa.

ebb              Africa. Of course. The home of African diamond mines.

nes               If that African diamond came from anywhere, it came from Africa.

ebb              Good work, whiz-kid. You helped put together an important piece of the puzzle. But now you stay there and let Detective Young and Husky put that information into action.