disease play


Downstairs in a nasty cheap kareoke club.

Alzheimer’s What’s on this Chilli Peppers best of?

Rabies No Blood Sugar Sex Magick. Fuck it.

Alz There’s good stuff, though. Aeroplane. Soul to Squeeze.

Rabies If I’m gonna do Red Hot Chilli Peppers kareoke, I’m gonna do Blood Sugar. I need something I can get up there and scream and snarl. You can’t scream Soul to Squeeze. I’m looking for some Iggy Pop or Sex Pistols or the Clash.

Alz Just relax and sing, man. It’s stupid being self-conscious cause you can’t sing. None of us can sing.

Rabies Diorrhea can sing.

Alz Yeah, she’s got a beautiful voice, doesn’t she?

Rabies Wet and hot and slick. Is she singing anything?

Alz Dioorhea, are you singing something?

Diorrhea Yeah, I put my name down for the Rolling Stones.

Rabies There’s no fucking punk in this list.

Alz Yeah, it’s a shit selection. Ah, hey, they’ve got some hiphop. Fuck it, I’m doing this one.

Rabies Who is it?

Alz Ice-T ‘You played yourself’.

Rabies I’m gonna keep looking.

Alz Good luck.



Cancer So I’m stirring the cream into my coffee, and she’s just sitting there with a folder on her knees, not saying anything. And I’m not saying anything. I never speak first.

Smallpox No, it’s bad policy to talk first. They should understand that.

Cancer Well most of them do. Most of them know that to even meet with one us is pretty serious business. For them and for us. So they do their research, they bring all the information you need, and usually all you have to do is agree on a price. This girl, I don’t know what the fuck she thought she was doing.

Smallpox How’d she get in touch with you?

Cancer Tuberculosis. She had TB when she was a little kid, and she kept his details after they got rid of him with antibiotics.

Smallpox So what did she want with you?

Cancer Well that’s what fucking blew my mind. When she finally does speak up, she tells me she wants to hire me to tackle a city for a month. A city. For a month. I said ‘Girl, I’m Cancer.’ She said ‘I know.’

Smallpox She clearly doesn’t know, if she wants you for a month.

Cancer I said what can I do in a month? I can start a few tumours, get the ball rolling here and there, but then what? I told her I’m a craftsman. I do beautiful work, irreversible work. Incurable work. But it takes time. And a city? I can’t just run over the rooftops dropping tumours down the chimney into everybody’s christmas stocking.

Smallpox If she wants a city she should have spoken to Pneumonia.

Cancer Or you. I told her, why not speak with Smallpox? He comes in to town, forty hours later everyone’s dripping with sores. Forty hours after that, gutters lined with bodies.

Smallpox Not quite that effective…

Cancer No, take the praise. You’re good at what you do. I’ve always said, Smallpox is an artist, just like me. But where my canvas is inside a single cell, his canvas can spread wider than countries.

Smallpox Thank you, Cancer.

Cancer No thanks required.

Smallpox So what did she say?

Cancer She said she wanted to speak with a couple of other people before she made any decisions.

Smallpox Do you know who else she’s speaking with?

Cancer HIV.

Smallpox Serious?

Cancer Pretty sure.

Smallpox This girl must be offering something pretty special to get HIV to the table.

Cancer She is.

Smallpox Do you mind if I…?

Cancer I’m not going to tell you.

Smallpox Fair enough. But HIV… wow. You know Anorexia and Parkinson’s told me that last job HIV did, she got paid 900 square kilometres of temperate forest?

Cancer Can we not talk about her, please?

Smallpox Yeah, no, forget about her, Cancer. She’s been lucky, that’s all she’s got going for her.

Cancer Don’t bullshit me. She’s brilliant. She’s the best.

Smallpox Yeah.

Cancer She’s not coming tonight, is she?

Smallpox Christ no.



MC Ladies and gentlemen, can I ask you to make welcome to the stage, is she out there – Diorrhea!




MC Diorrhea, are you out there? Can anyone see her – ah, there she is. Okay, here’s the mic – ladies and gentlemen, Diorrhea has picked a lovely track to sing tonight. By the Rolling Stones, this is ‘Little by Little.’ Take it away, Diorrhea!


music – The Rolling Stones ‘Little by Little’


Diorrhea Thanks so much. All right.

(sings) Tried to slay you last night

Slay you in my heart

Girl I was afraid

Of what I was looking for

Little by little, I’m

Losing my love for you…

Little by little, I’ve

Found out you weren’t true.


Alz Hey, it’s little Scratchy-Scratch.

Rabies Oh, fuck that. What are they doing letting this little shit in? He’ll stink the joint up.

Alz Hey Scabies! Scabies, what you doing, man?

Scabies Hey guys. Hey Rabies, what’s happening?

Rabies I’m trying to pick a fucking song.

Alz What’s new with new, Scabies?

Scabies Oh, you know, just kicking along.

Alz Heard any funny lines recently?

Scabies Oh, you know, not really.

Alz I heard one the other day I liked, maybe you know it. Little sister and big sister sitting on the edge of the bed, and they both keep scratching. So big sister says-

Scabies Yeah, all right, very funny.

Alz What’s the matter?

Scabies Nothing. I get it.

Alz No, wait for it, you want to hear this. Big sister says ‘I feel like I’ve got a bunch of rats trying to claw their way into my pubes.’ Little Sister says-

Scabies Little sister says fuck you.

Alz What did you say?

Scabies You heard me.

Alz Say that again.

Scabies You want to know something, Alzheimer’s? You’re a prissy little stuck up bitch. You think it’s all funny humiliating me every chance you get, like you’re some kind of cool bigshot. You reckon STDs are funny? You know what I think’s funny: I think it’s funny watching a crappy dementia for old people standing next to a disease for dogs.

Rabies What did you call me?

Scabies Rabies. Dog disease.

Rabies You fucking little arse!


Rabies attacks Scabies.