– man, no-one was cheering louder than me when you first got laid. No-one. You understand me?
– You’re happy that Belucia and I are having sex.
– Abso-fucking-lutely. But there are some things you can’t – I mean, I’m not a prude, no-one’s a prude, but you can’t talk about it as much as you talk about it.
– I’m not trying to get up anyone’s nose, or anything. It’s just – Belucia and I aren’t inhibited about these things.
– Yeah, fine. That’s good. But I mean, you can’t talk about her like you know everything. Like you’ve solved the mysteries of her sexual nature. You’ve been having sex for – how many weeks?
– Actually, we’ve been having sex – I mean, I don’t want to say how often, but let me just say that I’m – I’m very familiar with Belucia’s sexual nature.
– Yeah, you’re in the sweet zone, that’s for sure. But there are aspects to a woman’s sexual nature that you won’t see for months. Years. It’s like you’ve picked up an Agatha Christie novel and you’re trying to say you’ve figured out the killer when you’re only on page 16. The murder hasn’t happened yet. You’re reading the book, no doubt on that – you’re not just checking out the front cover or skimming the blurb any more. You’re in those pages, and that’s fucking great, dude, I salute you. Just – don’t act like you wrote the fucking thing, that’s just awkward.
– All right, I get it. I’ll tone it down.
– Also, your pet names.
– What do you mean, my pet names?
– Look, every couple has disgusting names for each other. I used to call Lisa Honeybee, and she used to call me Honeycomb. And that was for real, man, there was no joking around. You get into that cuteness zone and your whole fucking system of judgment is turned upside down. That’s fine, that’s all part of it. But you can’t call a girl ‘Cumgoblin’. Ever.
– She’s my little Cumgoblin.
– No, she can’t be. Think of something else. I know she seems cool with it, but trust me. Your first fight is somewhere on the horizon, and I’m telling you now that ‘Cumgoblin’ will be used in that fight as ammunition against you. It might very well be the cum that breaks the goblin’s back. Call her Slutbunny, dude, call her Cherry-pops. Anything.
– You know how I started calling her Cumgoblin?
– I can think of a million reasons. Actually, I can think of one. But that’s fine, I’ll get by with my imagination there.