35 True Things About Hadley

1. Hadley works at a knife shop as a knife salesman and can’t afford a lawyer to sue me for defamation over this

2. When I first met Hadley we gave each other a disk of scripts, and next time we hung out he showed up with a version of Jack and my play Quiet Time which he had rewritten from the top as a lurid sex-dream of a play

3. Hadley is a forest and in him city folk get lost and in him jaguars kidnap sleeping children and in him the sunlight is broken up and never reaches the forest floor

4. Once when Hadley’s notebook was stolen we formed a detective agency to track it down but the only thing we uncovered was a bag full of someone else’s candy, everyone else was angry with us

5. Hadley is the body double for Moby when there need to be multiple Mobys

6. Hadley and Chrism had a party trick called Slothmother where Hadley was the sloth and Chrism was the tree and it was the worst party trick


image by nickamc

7. Hadley has upped the ante on me more times than anyone else

8. In 2003 with lateforbreakfast

9. In 2005 with ‘Scuse Me While I Kiss The Sky

10. In 2006 with A Most Curious Dream

11. In 2007 with Rosy Glowing, Bloody Cross

12. In 2010 with Misery at Pumper House

13. In 2011 with Be The DIY Sex Change You Want To See In The World

14. In 2012 with Fox Groom Broom Bride

15. In 2013 with Sexting Play

16. These are SOURCE TEXTS, these are the wellsprings

17. Hadley says that he won’t be Father Christmas unless you pay him but he will, he will be Father Christmas whenever you want

18. The internet meme about Chuck Norris having supernatural powers is funny, sure, but Chuck Norris isn’t a superhuman. But you know who does have those powers? GOD

19. Hadley has a third nipple and this is why the ladies love him maybe?

20. Hadley was married when he was 17 in a pagan ceremony where the celebrant braided his and his bride’s hair together

21. Hadley is the only person in the world to genuinely be inspired by Tony Robbins


image by nickamc

22. Canberra creates amazing artists and then it spits them out, it doesn’t need to hold on to them, it is not greedy

23. There is a gang of idiot teens in this New Mexico cowboy bar at the table next to me high fiving about how stoned they’re going to get on Friday when Shelby comes through with that quarter and telling the youngest one ‘DUDE the ALTITUDE, it’s gonna amplify the effect by a thousand, you are gonna be AMAZED by ordinary things’

24. Hadley is the bird outside your bedroom window that doesn’t give a shit about dawn and chirps all night until you vow to kill it

25. All Hadley’s lyrics for Mr Fibby were originally raps written to accompany Dr Dre instrumentals for when Hadley intended to be an aussie hiphop star which were then tweaked to fit Emma Sam and Grahame’s gypsy instrumentals

26. Hadley is the call to prayer

27. Hadley is two months older than me, however old you decide to be he is two months older than that


definitely image by nickamc

28. In 2011 Hadley wrote a treatment for The Lion King III based on the plot of Richard III and that text has now been lost so if you weren’t at Roasters on that day you will never know

29. Hadley and Tess live in a mansion, in a tree, they live in a tree mansion

30. If Hadley could be any animal he would be a turtle, but if that turtle could be any animal it would be a knife

31. Once Hadley and I made a facebook page to promote our knife-fighting zine and made all 140 fans into administrators against their wishes and then complained to facebook and had the page taken down for abuse of community standards, I don’t know how many people downloaded the zine

32. Hadley was born in the hole between calendar dates and his star sign is The Nothing


wtf nickamc he was clearly asleep

33. I steal more from Hadley than most people know but you would too, you would too

34. Hadley is a brutal no-holds-barred illegal martial arts tournament, Jean Claude Van Damme did his best to win Hadley

35. Get away from me kid, you bother me

36. Hadley paid me to write this list

37. There is nothing you can say about Hadley that is not true


from left: nickamc, hadley, nickamc

2034


image by edward burtynski

hey 2034
I just need you to shut up for a second
honestly, for real, shut the fuck up
I don’t want any more hassle about what we did wrong
what we didn’t do
what we chose to ignore
the problems we planted now blooming like typhoons like droughts like floods like wars like famines
we don’t blame 1994 for our problems (we have no problems)

anyway you, finig
what are you now, 50 years old?
what did you do back then in 2014 to try and turn the tide?
I didn’t see you on the frontlines trying to keep fresh water flowing
there wasn’t enough water even then when there were only 7 billion to share it between
so don’t sneer at me with all your hindsight

it’s 2014 and we’re not ashamed of ourselves
it’s 2014 and we’re not guilty for the deaths of people who haven’t even been born
it’s 2014 and I got to see the barrier reef when some of the coral was still alive

2034 you can’t hate the past cause it’s the past that made you
2034 you owe us because we’re creating you now
2034 I don’t need you looking at me this way
2034 this is history, we’re in this together

Best film trailers of 2014

So I went to the cinema, I know, don’t start, it wasn’t a good idea, I realise that now. Let’s not talk about the film itself (goddamn movies), the main thing to note is that they screened A NEW BATCH OF TRAILERS.

Let’s go.

Okay to start with there was a short animated logo and a voiceover said ‘CINEDIGM: A NEW PARADIGM IN CINEMA’

And that was the whole ad. That literally is all we know of Cinedigm, and if you know more DO NOT TELL, you’ll ruin it for everyone.

The night really peaked right here with these guys’ less-is-more- approach.

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LABOR DAY

Next up was a trailer for a film where a young boy is giving a voiceover saying stuff like, ‘Mom was sad after Dad left us, she didn’t like being a single mom, she was sad and lonely and sad, and we were incomplete’

The mom apparently is Kate Winslet getting her sad on, she looks pained in every shot, it is tiring to look at her

Luckily before too long Kate Winslet and her son are kidnapped by escaped fugitive Josh Brolin who forces them to drive back to their house and dress his wounds, he is on the run because he just escaped from jail where he is serving a sentence for murdering a dude, here he is

Anyway while Josh Brolin is holding the mom and son hostage at their house they all start opening up to each other and it turns out Josh Brolin is a little rough around the edges but basically has a heart of gold, and he starts teaching the son to play baseball, and Kate Winslet’s sad face creases a little in what looks like maybe happiness?

So there’s romance afoot and then Josh Brolin’s all like NICE PEACHES THAT YOU HAVE THAT I AM EATING and Kate Winslet shyly says ‘We mostly throw them away before they rot’ and then Josh Brolin says I HAVE A BETTER IDEA

and then there is a shot of Josh Brolin and Kate Winslet jointly squeezing peach slices in a mixing bowl in the preparatory phase of what will presumably be some kind of pie

the problem is, and I didn’t include a screenshot of this, that this otherwise-brilliant reboot of the pottery scene from Ghost is actually super gross, and watching romance spark between the pair of them while their hands are squishing around in a bowl of overripe fruit is pretty meh

Then there’s a bit of Josh and Kate dancing, we hear him say the line I WOULD FACE ANOTHER 20 YEARS FOR 3 MORE DAYS WITH YOU and the boy crying when a shot is fired, so presumably it ends well, or it ends sadly, or it ends some other way, but it DOESN’T end with Kate Winslet and her chump son joining Josh Brolin on the road for a life of madcap adventure fleeing from John Law

Would Jess Like It?

YES. Jess likes romance, and pie, so she’s likely to be more sympathetic to the themes of this film than I am. But we can’t be sure, until she sees it.

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LAST SURVIVOR

Were you jonesing for some jingoistic American war exploits where a few hundred kilos of gym-bred Californian beef dresses in fatigues and engages in cloying bromance while firing at indisciminately evil Middle Easterners? Marky Mark and Eric Bana have you COVERED

The plot seems to be, a troop of US marines have been cut off behind enemy lines in Afghanistan, they are trying to kill a commander of the TALIBAN, something goes wrong, they are up against an unexpectedly large number of enemy soldiers, there is lots of shooting and shouting and fist bumps, at one point someone yells ‘God’s looking out for us’, and judging by the title and the quick cut action shots at the end of the trailer presumably only one of them survives

If I’m not mistaken, a bit over a decade ago we invaded Afghanistan. My miniscule contribution to Australia’s tax dollars helped fund our invading army, which fought the Taliban until 2011 or so. At first we drove the Taliban back and installed a puppet regime. The Taliban moved back in, they once again control large portions of the country, and our troops are leaving. So we lost that war, and frankly, it’s hard to see how they could possibly be worse off than if we’d just left them the fuck alone.

Let me lay my cards on the table here: any US soldier in Afghanistan has my sympathy, and for what it’s worth, I think they were trying to do the right thing. But I don’t give a fuck how tough it is to be a blue-eyed blond-haired yankee marine dealing with the Taliban compared to how it is to be an Afghani in that same situation. Show me that movie instead.

Of course I’m giving this bullshit too much credit – the aim is not to show anything about Afghanistan, the aim is to run around a few desert-trimmed soundstages in a Los Angeles film studio dressed in combat gear, throw in a few explosion effects and a soaring string soundtrack, plant brown-skinned people in crosshairs and make a shitload of cash.

Fuck you guys.

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NON-STOP

Now this is more like it. Liam Neeson gets on a plane and trades some world-weary banter with the woman sitting beside him – she likes flying, he hates it – and then we discover he’s an ‘Air Marshal’ which is the fancy American word for SKY POLICE.

(if I’d been making this film it woulda been called LIAM NEESON, SKY POLICEMAN)

But THEN, Liam gets a text message saying ‘Hullo Liam Neeson’ or whatever, and he is the shocked and replies

because it’s 2014, we see the text message appear on the movie screen around Liam’s head

the reply exceeds my expectation A Lot:

Yes! From a dramaturgical point of view, the unknown text message has introduced a new element to the film: CONFLICT. Someone wants to kill people on the plane at a rate of 3/hr. Liam (we presume) is going to do his best to stop them. How will this play out?

Like this, obviously.

Goddamn you Non-Stop for having the best idea in cinema of the year already, and goddamn you also for inevitably blowing it, because there is no way a Liam Neeson film can carry off a good concept without descending into inane bullshit. My heart, my heart.

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Finally, some more horseshit

JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT

Can’t turn a Tom Clancy book into a film without a lantern-jawed square-shoulder jock dressed in a suit beating the shit out of a foreigner in a hotel bathroom. This clip opens in confusing fashion – the blandly handsome lead is led into his Moscow hotel room by a tall black man with a Russian accent. Okay, sure. Then the black dude starts trying to shoot the hero.

This trailer was trading on its ‘here is a full scene of the movie that we’re sharing with you’ gimmick, so I had to watch the full fight scene in all its inevitable shaky-cam bullshit glory. Our lead disarms the bad guy and proceeds to beat the shit out of him like a real true American

eventually he straight up drowns the dude in a bath with his foot on the guy’s head

maybe I’m being oversensitive, but maybe I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t need to see any more caucasian American heros killing any more non-white foreign bad guys. Maybe that time of my life is over. Maybe that part of history is over. Maybe Tom Clancy is a nightmare from which we can all wake the fuck up now, maybe?

Maybe fuck you guys.

and then in some weird kind of epilogue to the whole trailer experience, we see the hero meet an aging Kevin Costner on a bench

kevin – it’s better your hands are shaking now rather than during

hero – what do you know about it?

kevin – the first person I ever killed was innocent.

hero – what did he do?

kevin – she.

all this and I still had a full feature length flick to get through. fuck movies, man.

2013 Music: Fossil Rabbit, Piotr-Heslin and Future Conduits

2013 was a rad year in terms of people making rad art. For whatever reason (and I do not care to inquire too deeply into their motives), a bunch of people I like and care about made the decision to create and release all kinds of beautiful new music into the world. I don’t understand how or why it happened, but it happened, and here it is:


cover art by george rose

Fossil Rabbit – Cloudache

My brother Chris is one of my all-time greatest collaborators and an utterly lovely maker of music. Back in 2006 he got hold of an electric guitar, an old FX pedal and a loop station. I remember the sound of his solo jams reverberating from his bedroom, and how they gradually shifted from mildly irritating guitar noodling into weirdly hypnotic ambient soundscapes. Chris positioned his sound somewhere in between Stars of the Lid’s warm narcotic drift and the shoegaze psychedelia of early Verve records, while also trying to capture some of the texture of electronic producers like Burial.

We began collaborating in 2007, first just jamming together, then as members of music-theatre-animation-cooking ensemble Fight Fire With Knives, then as guitar / spoken-word duo Finnigan and Brother. Meanwhile, Chris began playing in bands such as Standing Waves and Prom, all the while continuing to work on his own material, expanding his abilities, refining his aesthetic and releasing a steady stream of new songs via his soundcloud.

Chris’ solo output is released under his Fossil Rabbit guise. The name refers to a famous remark by evolutionary biologist J.B.S. Haldane. When asked to name a discovery that would disprove the theory of evolution, Haldane is supposed to have growled, ‘Fossil rabbits in the Precambrian.’


image by adam thomas

After a couple of years gigging around town and capturing lo-fi recordings of his tunes, in December Chris hooked up with long-time collaborator and experimental music genius Reuben Ingall to record the first Fossil Rabbit EP. Cloudache was released in December at Smiths Alternative.

Chris is an occasional migraine sufferer, and the EP’s title refers to the sensitivity to clouds and stormy weather that sometimes precedes a migraine’s onset. Cloudache the song might be the best thing Chris has produced in 7 years of music – it moves at a quick pace and builds up momentum as layer upon layer of percussive twitches is added, but behind it all are slow, gentle waves of warm guitar ambience. In 4:28, it travels through a whole range of different moods, pulls itself apart and then reassembles itself. It’s magic and it makes me very happy.

The other four pieces are also lovely – Raver is one of the most uptempo compositions in the Fossil Rabbit catalogue, and it has a certain propulsive underbelly. Sentimental is an old favourite of mine – this is the soundtrack to lounging around on a lazy afternoon, watching David Attenborough nature documentaries and writing a few sketchy lines while the sound of the guitar slowly and casually builds until it has become a huge wave that lifts you up and carries you effortlessly with it.

The EP is $5 from Bandcamp and comes with a lovely and blissed out remix of Deficit by Brenton K. I recommend. For the also, here is a live clip from the launch gig at Smiths, recorded and edited by 2xx Local and Live:

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Paul Heslin and Derek Piotr – Piotr-Heslin

This is a stunning collaborative effort between Poland-born US-based sound artist Derek Piotr, and my great friend and another amazing collaborator Paul Heslin.


image by derek piotr

Piotr-Heslin is seven tracks of surprisingly tender music underpinned by a scaffolding of grinding, surging glitch. Beats stutter into life at odd moments, waves of harsh noise wash across the tracks, but mostly what sticks out for me is how melodic and tuneful this record is. Derek and Paul sing on this record, and it’s quite beautiful. Granted, the vocals are digitally treated in every way possible, but still, these songs aren’t just cleverly produced soundscapes – they’re songs, and they stick in my head, and they make me feel all kinds of feelings.

The headfuck for me with this record is that Paul and Derek have never actually met in person – somehow they’ve managed to create this really intimate and personal experience without ever being in the same room. Fair enough that’s the world we live in in 2013, but seriously, listen to this record; it is an extraordinary achievement.

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Future Conduits – Teen Beach Movie / Wedding Vow

Okay so this isn’t exactly of the same calibre as the two records previously mentioned BUT, it’s a pretty exciting release from my point of view because it’s the first batch of music released by Nick McCorriston under his new Future Conduits alias.

Nickamc is one of my closest collaborators, and a superb musician and producer. For the last couple of years he’s been producing and performing a strain of electronic music that doesn’t fit under any of the other projects he’s involved with, including performing live using a hacked Nintendo Powerglove. This material is now being gathered together under the Future Conduits banner, which Nick will be touring in 2014.

Future Conduits’ first two song burst came out of a collaboration between Nickamc and in November. We set out to create a short set of two and a half minute songs using an array of samples Nickamc had collected from Kiss, Atari Teenage Riot and Marilyn Manson.

Wedding Vow is a fairly simple blast of ambivalence towards the idea of marriage, from a person who is not interested in ever getting married but yet is delighted when his friends who do believe tie the knot. Nickamc really sculpted this into shape, finding a way to fit the words to the loop and then fleshing it out with other samples and textures.

Teen Beach Movie is a cover of a tune from Disney’s 2013 straight-to-TV masterpiece Teen Beach Movie, set to a fairly brutal ATR sample. The original tune is a virtuoso Disney effort that looks at how gender roles and male-female relationships have changed since the early 1960s and doesn’t waste a single chance to hit the listener with another lurid costume choice. Don’t even argue, just get amongst the videoclip NOW.

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There was so much music, so much of it was good – how is it even possible to appreciate it all?