Produced in 2008 as part of the Rep Comedy Revue in Canberra, directed by Rob de Fries.
Man and God walk along a beach together.
Man It is a privilege to walk alongside my God, even in a dream.
God My son, there is no place I would rather walk.
Man My Lord, look back down the beach at the journey we have taken. Every step along the way is a scene from my life. Look, there is my fiftieth birthday! My wedding day! My first visit from the tooth fairy! Up there in the distance, I can see my mother and father holding me as a newborn baby. For every scene, I can see two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one belonging to you, my Lord. Is this a dream, or is this the truth?
God It is a true dream.
Man Then this beach we are walking along – it is my life?
God It is.
Man But God – when I look back upon all the hardest times of my life, the most difficult and awful experiences that I faced, the suffering and heartbreak that I went through – at those times I see only one set of footprints. Why is it, Lord, that in those moments when I needed you most of all, you were not there? Why then did I have to walk alone?
God My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, my son, it was then that I carried you.
Man Wow. That’s amazing.
Man That’s a stunning revelation. I don’t know what to say. I’m grateful. I’m more grateful than I can express.
God You are welcome, my son.
Man I mean seriously, that’s unbelievably caring of you. I apologise for doubting your constancy. I thought that when the going got tough you had abandoned me, but instead those were the times that you took me into your arms and carried me. You’ve been a better friend then I could have ever asked for.
God It is what I do. I am not a high God, nor a distant one. I am your friend, your companion on this strife-filled earth.
Man Right, yeah, definitely. Hey can I ask one more question?
God Of course.
Man Why is it your footprints that disappear and come back and mine that keep going?
God Well, um…
Man Because if you were carrying me, wouldn’t it be my footprints that disappeared? It’s just that my set of footprints is unbroken all the way up the beach, but yours keep disappearing. That seems a bit weird, doesn’t it?
God Well you see-
Man Unless you picked me up off the ground, took my shoes off, put them on your own feet, took a step to the right so you were standing in my footprints, and then started walking.
Man Yes what?
God That’s what happened. I picked you up because, you know, because of the strife that you were going through, and I swapped our shoes around and then I continued your footprints.
God Uh, because, because I didn’t want to alarm you by making it look like you’d fallen in the water or something…
Man This is complete rubbish, isn’t it?
God Kind of.
Man Where did you go? Where were you when I was going through the worst times of my life?
Man What did you say?
God There was an ice-cream van.
Man Are you telling me that when I needed you the most, when I was struggling, frightened and confused, you buggered off to get an ice-cream?
A multitude of Canberra Musicians/Scientists/Magicians/Chefs/Thespians have come together to create a music/theatre/art/food/performance experience. Set in an abandoned Soviet labour camp, deep in the wastes of Siberia. In the 1920s it was the final exile for Stalin’s political enemies – now, seven lonely souls film a cooking show in the old basement kitchen. The chefs, cameramen and studio staff experience the loss of a limb when their director is found CUT. UP. INTO. PIECES. How they handle it is an entirely different matter.
Hadley proposed that we each write half of a 20-page potboiler adventure thriller following the life and times of one-eyed knife-fighting transvestite Dog. We flipped coins to see who would write which pages, and set to work with no knowledge of what the other was writing.
My pages are 3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 19 and 20. Get amongst it.
The rain fell hard.
Someone said it was Novemember. Me and my mind were wandering through bleak wet streets to nowhere in particular. Thinking about what was and what is and what will.
Down the blade-walk they called me Dog, don’t know why. Don’t care why. Left the pits a month ago one eyed undefeated with a wad of shells and a plan. Plan didn’t go so well and since then I just been wandering through the rain. Yeah, someone said it was Novemember. This plan of mine was a plan of change I’d had boiling in me since longer than my mind goes back. Always been a big boy, wooden shouldered, thick voiced, always been hairy, always been strong. Never been much else. But always felt like something else was going on, something that shoulda been that wasn’t been. Never felt home in this hangdog brick skin. Got me a plan.
Ripped through the pits with froth on my lips, stabwin stabwin stabwin, take the money and beat it. Got blood on my hands and most of its mine. Had two rules in the pits and they got me cut and got me won. Been feeling it since I was twelve and finally, four years in the pits undefeated I got enough muck to make me a woman.
You heard me, mudsucker. You heard me.
Started on the hormones and they made me feel sick, but I wore it. Found me a backalley splicer with and internet doctorate to rejig my pipes, get me feeling all right, get me feeling more feminine than this wall of a body would have you believe. He’s stitching me up I get woken up with a motherfucking holocaust in my chest. Doc manages to get me out of it says I’m lucky I ain’t dead. Says whatever it is in the hormones I been taking have set off my old dog heart, too many knife nicks too close to the rivers running through to my heart. I got the implants, got the snip, got the surgery… can’t take the hormones or my heart’ll hop a bus and leave town.
So that’s me, Dog. Five o’clock shadow at ten am, broad brow shouldered, avalanche voice, and fabulous breasts covered in hair. Still carry a knife, don’t know why.
That’s me, Dog. Hardy motherfucken har.
Most nights I pass every dark alley in town. Same bits of trash same lamplight buzzing a dream.
Rain lets up, I look down one and see this nun. Playing a double bass stretches way over her head singing softly along. Eyes little green bows over a white beak nose. Few wrinkles ’round her eyes and mouth, from living not from age. Cut over her right eye, smelled fresh. Swaddled up loose in the lampglow and a nightblue habit, she realises this old Dog’s eyeballing her and she doesn’t look up.
“Whaddaya lookin’ at, small fry?” she says, “Am I wearin’ somethin’ o’ yours?”
Small fry. Cute.
“I mean it lummox. Blow.”
So I blew. A girl like me’s got no business with a bass playing nun in an alley. On the way out I clipped shoulders with a tall glass of water in a black suit. Wearing a parrot mask. Three flunkies behind him blacksuited in frog masks. Don’t got no business…
half-tempted to eat a crab if the nasty scuttlers weren’t such goddamn fancy escape artists. Dog carefully drew his knife from the belt of his miniskirt and advanced on one specimen lurking in the shallows, but the splash of his high heels in the shallows and the crab disappeared under the sand.
Dog moaned with hunger and disappointment, then squinted his one eye at the heavy grey sky. Storm coming soon, and not even a rock cave to hide his head in, let alone a bus to carry him home. Yet again Dog cursed “Curveball” Mannix, the hamfisted shit whose ineptitude had stranded Dog on this desolate stretch of coast with not a coin in his pocket or a slice of rockmelon in his cheek.
Dog : curses
“Ashley ‘Curveball’ Mannix – to Saturn I offer you – the jowls of your cheek, the pouch of your stomach – to Saturn I offer them – your moist red tongue and children four and siblings nine – to Saturn I tender them, and Saturn let you only be cruel as I promise you this man ‘Curveball’ is no gentleman no hero no hollywood heart-throb – let you therefore Saturn take his tongue pouch children sibling jowls, and be cruel as you take them – bleak Saturn be cruel”
As Dog stumbled along the tideline, catching his heels in clumps of seaweed, he drew closer to the figure he had seen from the clifftop, kneeling at the sea’s edge. It was a young woman, perhaps twenty years old, in a long grey dress with her yellow hair unbound. She knelt facing the water, her hands clasped in prayer, the front of her robe and her wooden crucifix wet from the splashing tide. She did not open her eyes or turn her head as Dog approached, even when he crouched down beside her, tugging his miniskirt in an attempt to cover his crotch. Trying to sound casual, Dog asked the woman politely if she had any change to spare.
“…listen what you’ve got to do is squeeze out some currency juice, you know, clench your whole musculatory frame and sweat some fucking legal tender into this knife-fighter’s hands here, because I’m stuck on this beach with nothing, I’ve got the sour smell of empty in the palms of my goddamn hands and that’s all, you get it, so you got to help out and make things right, right…”
Without a word, the woman indicated behind her to a pouch in the sand. Untying the binding, Dog found an assortment of coins, notes and credit cards, tallying to a sum of easily $6.35 or more. Making grateful sounds, Dog removed all the larger notes and heavier coins, then replaced the pouch by the still praying woman and trotted up the beach, aiming for the road back into town. Picturing the leather and bacon meal he would soon be enjoying, Dog did not look back until he heard the first peal of thunder roll over the ocean.
Turning to admire the lightning, Dog saw the woman already up to her neck in the ocean, fighting and thrashing in the white water. To get so deep so quickly she must have hurtled headlong into the waves as soon as Dog’s back was turned. The rip was vicious, and Dog knew instantly that the woman was drowning.
A part of Dog had already given up on the woman, had already turned its back and was concentrating on the walk into town, the meal, the warm bus seat, the bright lights and grimy knife-pits of home city. That part growled plaintively as Dog charged across the sand, ankles twisting in his high heels, and splashed into the roaring onslaught of waves. His one eye open, gasping for breath in the freezing cold, he staggered and paddled out towards the flickering shape of the woman in the grey dress, now just an arm and a head thrashing as they slowly disappeared under the surface.
Dog dived, kicked, instinct taking over as his years of training at Master Laserbeak’s Knife and Teriyaki Academy flooded back to him. His fake breasts billowed up against his face, his eyepatch torn loose and lost amid the waves, and then there she was, just below him, sinking rapidly. Dog kicked downwards, grabbed her by her hair, and was shocked to find himself pulled sharply downwards, as if the woman were made of a substance heavier than lead. Catching her around the waist, Dog reached around her and felt – there – around her neck, tied to her crucifix, a thin cord. The cord must have been fixed around her throat while she knelt by the water’s edge, the other end attached to something in the water. Whatever it was, that something was now tugging both the young woman and Dog deeper underwater and further out from the shore.
Dog unsheathed his knife from his miniskirt in a smooth motion and slashed at the cord around the woman’s neck. The cord was tough, and Dog had to saw at it, cutting the fibres apart thread by thread. But now the pressure was changing, slackening. Whatever was pulling the cord had noticed the change in its load, and was turning back to see what it had picked up.
From deep in the grey underwater gloom, a huge shadow began to emerge. Dog slashed through the last remnants of the cord and shoved the woman behind him, thrusting her up towards the surface, before shifting the knife to his left hand and preparing to face the black shape rising from the deep. Like a huge bat, Dog saw a pair of enormous wings, a razor-sharp tail as long as a spear, a massive pair of ghostly eyes, and then Dog only had time to laugh eagerly before the stingray was upon him.
Night time down by the beach. 3 jokers in frog masks painted red up and down the sand. Green eyed nun had the double bass over her shoulder bits of caved in skull dripping off the frets. Seen them before. Goofball in the Parrot Mask gets a good knock in from behind and the nun goes down, the nun goes down. Looking down at her says,
“You can’t roll forever. He wants to see you, you dippy broad. He wants to see you so he’ll see you–”
He stopped talking when he noticed I was there and he looked me in my eye blade glinting in the gloom and said,
“What you want, you dumb mutt? Keep movin’ if you know whats good for you. This don’t concern you. You don’t know what you’re messing with, you know who we work for? We work for–”
He stopped talking when I punched him in the neck. He went down hard. I felt bad. It was a real nice monologue I interuppted there. Parrot head came up breathing hard, and came in real low, and he said,
“You… don’t… know… what… you… you… who… you…”
He lunged at me deep, quicker than I thought and slinked his knife deep in my belly. Blood smelt good, smelt fresh. I clenched my stomach muscles and his face dropped. When you get yourself stabbed there’s not much you can do, ‘sides follow my first rule of the pits. Guy can’t stab you twice if his knife is stuck in you. By the time he realised he’d lost his blade I was on him hard with my old chiptooth knife dug through one of his legs and his blood screamed out up in my craw.
“Big mistake, palooka. Big mistake. The boss gets what the boss wants, and the boss wants the frail. You know who my boss is? He’s–”
“Don’t care,” I said, as I punched him in the neck. Again, and again. And again and again and again. Snap.
Four guys in animals masks, a bass playing nun and an ex-knife fighter with a vagina head down to the beach.
Hardy mother fucken har.
The nun was lying in the seaweed. Her blood fell hard.
“Curveball, you fucking melonhead, don’t put me through your goddamn pony club answering service, answer your fucking phone.”
“Why it’s Dog! I’m so sorry, if I’d known it was you… listen, I’m terribly sorry you came all the way out here for nothing. Dashed shame, you know, having to cancel the fight, but you have no idea what these seaside Constable Plods are like. I spend half my life bribing them, then –“
“Enough of that. I’m not calling about my missing cut, I need to ask you something.”
“Yes, but you must understand that there simply is no cut. When my backers heard that the Bobbies were snuffling around and talking about surprise raids, they simply evaporated, and the money with them. I’m as out of pocket as you are over the whole thing, dear Dog –“
“No, listen, shut up. You don’t understand. I’m in a phone-box by the highway about 8km from the beach and it’s pissing down rain and I’ve got a girl with me in some kind of weird mumbling coma.”
“Party drugs has she had?”
“She’s got a name label sewn on her dress says SISTER TIESA FINGERS, I think she’s a nun. Point is, someone tried to grind this girl up on the ocean floor until she was small enough to feed plankton. She’s all right now, although she’s making some strange noises under her breath, but I’ve had to put the final goodnight to someone’s pet stingray.”
“I do hope you’re all right, my dear.”
“I got a ladder in my stockings and one of my boobs has split open, but never mind that. Point is, do you firstly know a good cheap medicine-hole near here where they keep their volleyball-hole shut, and secondly, what geezers do you know that keep giant rays on leashes?”
“Well for the second, of course I’ll look into it – for the first, though… interestingly enough, the closest infirmary that fits your requirements is the Hospital of the Sisters of the Heroin Juke-Joint.”
“As I say, interesting indeed…”
I can’t get lost in this town anymore. Walking half an hour with a nun on my shoulder and I’ve got that same old snake tongue tickling my ear. Curveball Mannix, man about town, steps out of nowhere and tells me my movement for the past few hours — mostly walking, he tells me, but a few altercations with some boys in animals masks, who work for–I tell him I don’t care and I shove him down hard but he bounces up harder and follows me down the road lips flapping, says:
“You know those hormones you were taking aren’t the only ones you’ll get and maybe, just maybe maybe if you got it in your head to make a bit of pocket you can hit the high times and get yourself some proper gear. You don’t care now but that girls got a past that stretches before she got on the penguin. She had herself a boyfriend and that boyfriends a big bad boy but get this, he’s… you listening to me, Dog?”
I’m not listening to him.
“You listen up good, Dog, because this guy can help you out even though you don’t want him too and he doesn’t want him too he can do you right if you help out that sister fingers on your shoulder, he can do you right, do you solid, get you the pills you want that won’t set off your ticker and you can split this one nun town and be a real fine lady. Listening?”
he says. “No,” I say.
“Hah,” he says, “So you are. Listen, Pup, this kid’s in pharmacuticals, rich ones, not this street shit you been popping so I tell you what you drop the frail on his doorstep make a new friend and you’re set, baby, set. Keep an eye out though. You got his babies with the frog masks simple, and the parrot was his sisters kid, big mouth, no action, but you watch out for the crocodile, Dog. You got yourself set if a sucker comes with blades, but this Crocodile, Dog. Watch the Crocodile.”
So I mulled it over with my jaw, and looked him in the eye and said, “What’s the angle, Curveball?” but he was gone.
Just me alone in this town I can’t get lost in with an unconcious nun slung over my shoulder.
believe that Sister Fingers has come back to us!’ cooed Sister Miles Davis. ‘Bless you sir, or madam, whatever you are! You must come in and witness a service as repayment for your kindness – you see, we give praise to the Lord by playing sweet narcotic jazz!’
‘Oh yeah? Do you also give praise to the Lord by tying ropes round the necks of your sisters and giving them a one way tour of the ocean floor?’ nearly said Dog, but he was a tiny slice short of the wit and pith needed to think up clever ripostes like this, and in fact said
“Well I do like Jesus and
oh it’d be good to scrape
the salt out of my panties.”
Sister Miles Davis wanted to take Dog directly to the chapel, but Dog insisted on accompanying Sister Fingers to the infirmary, walking in her strange half-conscious shuffle, mumbling ‘War’ and ‘Man’ to herself unceasingly. Dog saw her laid horizontally on a mattress, then followed Sister Miles Davis through the stone courtyard, past four enormous machines covered over with cloth.
‘Sister Fingers is our double-bass player,’ explained Sister Miles Davis. ‘It’s perfect timing you brought her back, you see, because now she can play at the wedding.’
Dog stood at the door of the chapel, trying to untwist his bra-strap, listening to the high-speed smack-addled trumpet and clarinet duet raging inside. Whenever the nuns hit a high note on their horns, Sister Miles Davis shrieked and panted and licked her crucifix and finally kicked one foot into the doorframe of the chapel, punched herself in the nose hard enough to draw blood, headbutted Dog in the mouth and then slowly crumpled into a post-orgasmic torpor in the chapel doorway. Dog glanced around him at the red-eyed nuns hastening in all directions, the whole nunnery buzzing in preparation for some important event, and surreptitiously adjusted his skirt to try and contain his erection.
1 – Dog hears Curveball’s bicycle bell at the nunnery gate
2 – Dog checks his knife, freshens his lipstick, and goes to meet Curveball
3 – Stocky, pudgy men with deeply sunken eyes stand by the four giant tarpaulin-covered mounds, and watch Dog suspiciously all the way to the gate
4 – Curveball stands outside the gate with a loaf of turkish bread and humus, which he hands to Dog
“Dog, my sweet one, what have you done with your eyepatch?”
“The ocean took it. Don’t worry, I’ll take it back – or something of equal worth.”
“I’m sure you will, you single-minded motherfucker. Now, I don’t have anything on the girl’s sickness, or on that mantra she’s mumbling… ‘War over man’, you said it was?”
“’Man – War’ or ‘Warm – And’ is my best guess. I figure it for a name, either a pimp or a gang.”
“No pimp I’ve ever heard of, and the only gang round these parts is the Wiggly Wiggly Sailor Soldiers. No idea, sweet Dog. But the ray on a leash that you encountered, that you had a bit of a tussle with…”
“I tore it into three pieces and nailed them together like a stack of pancakes.”
“Yes, well that might not have been the cleverest trick you ever pulled, old boy. You see, that stingray happened to be Cinnamon Bob, the personal go-to boy for one of the tidal reef’s biggest entrepeneurs. They call him the Jelly, and he has a percentage on everything to emerge or submerge in the salty sea for a hundred kilometres in every direction.”
“Any idea why he’d be taking possession of a nun who plays the double-bass?”
“Rather not, dear Dog. But listen, hey what, I’ve got a whizzer idea. I know I stiffed you, bringing you up here for that fight and then leaving you on your silken-clad buttocks when the whole thing fell through. Why don’t I square it up to you, give you all those three dollars and nineteen cents we agreed on, I’ll throw in your bus fare extra, and for your trouble I’ve got you two brand new video rental cards to rent video-cassettes with no fines until you get some fines on them! How’s that sound, lovely Dog?”
Here Dog should have said something like “You’re trying to buy me off,” or “Who are you working for?” or “You don’t pull Dog’s strings with bread, dip and a couple of video cards,” but Dog was too slow to realise that this is what Curveball is doing, and at that moment he was distracted by the sound of four huge engines starting up.
The tarpaulins were being pulled clear, and Dog could see four World War 2 fighter planes – scavenged together remnants of two Spitfires and two Messerschmidts. Stretched between the four planes was one large tarpaulin, on which the sisters of the Heroin Juke-Joint gathered, holding their instruments nervously. Sister Miles Davis was helping another sister drag a honky-tonk piano on to the tarpaulin, and there, out of the infirmary, shambled a familiar shape. Though she was now dressed entirely in white lycra, head to toe, with white lycra cauliflours blossoming in her hands, Dog instantly recognised Sister Fingers, whose chant of ‘Man! War! Man! War!’ was now audible even above the plane noises.
First one plane, then the next, then the next began to rise. The tarpaulin tipped, tilted, nuns fell and were crushed to death by the rolling piano. The last plane began to ascend, wobbling as it picked up the slack of the remaining corner of tarpaulin. Without thinking, Dog snatched the remainder of the bread and humus from Curveball and hurtled across the courtyard, clicking awkwardly in his stilettos, leaping onto the wing of the Messerschmidt. For an instant, Dog caught sight of Curveball starting at him, then Curveball leapt on his bicycle and began to pedal away. The plane rose, with Dog clinging desperately to the wing.
Crawling along the back edge of the wing, Dog grasped the window by the sill. He reached back to punch the glass in, and almost lost his balance when the window gave way and tore open with no resistance. Dog gaped at the flaps of tissue paper shuddering in the wind, then crawled headfirst into the plane.
Instantly he was tackled from above and thrown face first to the floor. Twisting around, he saw one of the pudgy, fleshy men from the nunnery courtyard, now wearing an airman’s cap at a cocky angle. The man’s eyes had sunken so far into his head they looked like rabbit holes, and his solid muscles and rolls of fat did not seem to hang together properly. Dog tried to reach under himself for his knife, but the airman slammed his palm down on Dog’s wrist with the weight of a small house.
‘I fought in the Second World War!’ announced the airman dolefully. ‘I drunk the blood of children to keep me young this many time!’
“Why don’t’cha read my autobiography, lady?” Sittin’ on the sand nun still givin’ me sass, just asked a simple question. “Ain’t none o’ yo’ fuckin’ bizness who I am or who the geeks in the animals masks is or who they works for. You don’t know who he is, you don’t know… you can’t help…”
I said, “I can help,” then she said, “We’re fucked,” and a Girl in a Crocodile mask nailed me from behind. The beach sand was wet and hard and tasted like my blood. Looked up and all around me was a fucken flurry monster stomper of black suits and elephant masks, black suits and elephant masks and fists and feet and sticks and knives rained down hard. Turned into a pincusion keeping all their knives clenching different muscles taking all their knives swapping for my blood but for every knife they lose I get hit with a brand new fist and I’m lying in the sand and my blood is the sand and the sand is
Saw that girl in a crocodile mask. She grinned. I saw a glint. The bullet hit my neck on an angle. Hard.
now i’mseven now and i can see my mawn paw lookin down at me catch me wearin dressesmydads a b igman and he dont like none o this boy dont like this one bit gotta man you up boy maybe imolder my armsr hamhocksan i get to hit the ol man back an i hit y old lady back too and there’s these flower thatr grown n i like to wearm in my hair and if youfuckengotapr o b lbm withat then fuck you n im four lookin atth moon moon moon moon n its a big whiteole whitole thatn i kin see throo n the whiteofit burns me kin feel it deep in m throat feel it burning deep burnin deep burnin iun thmy throat an feel the tides lappin on the collar of ma shirt see ma wholelife stretched out behind me an in front an here i am in this moment of many moments stretche dout on th slab doc pumpin my chest almost lost ya baby almos lostch but ya back but ya cant do inth pits first fight curveball hookefor me n blooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood leakinouttamelike its flowin for free like id ont need that shit an this big ugly mudsucker comindown at me with this four blade knifeglove an i kick upwithwhats left of my foot an damn near put a whole throo hisribssnappin like my old mans jaw when im fiftan hittin back f the firsttime an i gettin tired i agettin real tired like int he pits you get tired yer dead ye get tiured ye dead in hepits an you gotta stay on yer fete let your brain got sleep let the animal outn thats why thy call me dog cos that first fight my blood was all gone an thatkickinthaches knock him back an my knife is gone an the anima anima the deepinside ame get out an i gotma teehinhisface an he screammmmin makmelet go motherfuck fuck makemelego i aint gonna leggo i gonna chp harder an i dint let go til i chipp teeth on that mudsucker skull an the fights over an there aint no cheerinfodog n cheein fo me jus silence an faces starin in shock an the mudsuckerfallaway an he’s deadinthedirt an the whole auditorium dont say nothin as i walk away champ im a fucken champ im a fucken woman aint no cjhamp i got moon in ma neck an im tiredman im so tired so tired so paw im so tired o bein this i wanna be that no boy you bein thisnow you be this yo paw did the opits n soll you hey boy whatre you doin you wear them flowers in yer fucken dont your aiseyerhand ta me boy ill fuckensnapsnapsnapsnapsnp iant yer boy n mo paw aint yer boy n mo
And came out the other side.
instant that Sister Fingers said ‘I do,’ Dog suddenly understood. The strange dementia afflicting Sister Fingers was not a sickness at all; it was her normal state of being. She had not been forced into marriage with the Jellyfish King against her will – she had sought it, desired it. In fact, of the couple standing ankle deep in seawater on the tarpaulin while the hovering fighter planes above kept it suspended on the surface, Dog was less concerned for the grinning bride in her top-to-bottom stretch lycra wedding swimsuit than he was for the forty metre long Man’O’War jellyfish coiling around her feet, snuggling in for a kiss…
‘Watch out, Jelly!’ Dog shouted, or would have shouted if he’d shouted it, but didn’t shout because he didn’t think of it, instead just stood there in stunned terrified silence as Sister Fingers scooped up her husband where he swirled about her feet, opened her mouth and hurled one long tendril straight down her throat.
Immediately, the nuns began to leap overboard, corkscrewing down into the warm ocean to feast on the millions of jellyfish which had gathered near the surface to attend their king’s wedding day. Dog saw streaks of nun-shaped darkness slicing through the depths, and viscerated blobs of jellyfish rising slowly to the surface. And meanwhile Sister Fingers was steadily gulping down her husband, the Man’O’War Jellyfish she had been craving all this time.
Dog thought of something to say, though it was not clever:
“No party pretty me have a hand old dirty jesus what a horror I’ll be summering in the big spit parlour again now nye dust is blessed upon us me upon us me upon us me Dog.”
Another nine days adrift on the tarpaulin, the planes stuttering one by one into the water around him, finally floating on all sides like a half-submerged submarine convoy, fish debating long and hard over whether the bloated flesh of the ancient airmen was too rancid to devour or not, and Dog gradually going crazy with thirst and heat and cold. By the time the tide finally washed him ashore, Dog was beginning to feel quite proficient on the French Horn, and could even play a little Mingus on Sister Finger’s waterlogged double-bass.
Curveball rode his bicycle down to the beach to meet him, towing a spare bicycle for Dog. Dog indicated in grunts and spasms that he had never learned to ride, and Curveball affixed training wheels to it there and then.
“I have a lot to thank you for, sweet peach pear plum Dog. I’m operating out of the nunnery these last few days, you know that? Big deserted complex, and I need extra room now I’ve taken on all the Jelly’s old business. You should come up and check it out.”
“Mingus Mingus Mingus Mingus Mingus! Haitian Fight Song! Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting! Ysabel’s Dance Table! Better Git It In Your Soul! Boogie Stop Shuffle!”
“Well, you’ve had a rough time. I guess it’s no surprise that all you can say is the name of Charles Mingus albums and songs. But you make sure you come back this way if you ever get sane again, Dog. There’s a lot of work to do, and never enough people like you to do it.”
Curveball cycled up the beach and on to the clifftop, a silhouette on the horizon for a few seconds, and then gone. Dog squatted down in the sand, gurgling merrily and rubbing his lips with sand as if it were the finest lipstick.
After a while, the moon came out and Dog watched the heroin sisters leaping through the waves, swimming teeth first into the dark.
That’s me, Dog. Cut up and cut down. Torn inside and out. Didn’t know who I was. Didn’t know what else to do. So I took the hormone tablets. Took the whole damn bottle. Felt my chest start to close up. Don’t know if I was dying a man, or dying a woman. Felt my heart flutter. Don’t know who was dying in that dirty alley.
Alzheimer’s What’s on this Chilli Peppers best of?
Rabies No Blood Sugar Sex Magick. Fuck it.
Alz There’s good stuff, though. Aeroplane. Soul to Squeeze.
Rabies If I’m gonna do Red Hot Chilli Peppers kareoke, I’m gonna do Blood Sugar. I need something I can get up there and scream and snarl. You can’t scream Soul to Squeeze. I’m looking for some Iggy Pop or Sex Pistols or the Clash.
Alz Just relax and sing, man. It’s stupid being self-conscious cause you can’t sing. None of us can sing.
Rabies Diorrhea can sing.
Alz Yeah, she’s got a beautiful voice, doesn’t she?
Rabies Wet and hot and slick. Is she singing anything?
Alz Dioorhea, are you singing something?
Diorrhea Yeah, I put my name down for the Rolling Stones.
Rabies There’s no fucking punk in this list.
Alz Yeah, it’s a shit selection. Ah, hey, they’ve got some hiphop. Fuck it, I’m doing this one.
Rabies Who is it?
Alz Ice-T ‘You played yourself’.
Rabies I’m gonna keep looking.
Alz Good luck.
Cancer So I’m stirring the cream into my coffee, and she’s just sitting there with a folder on her knees, not saying anything. And I’m not saying anything. I never speak first.
Smallpox No, it’s bad policy to talk first. They should understand that.
Cancer Well most of them do. Most of them know that to even meet with one us is pretty serious business. For them and for us. So they do their research, they bring all the information you need, and usually all you have to do is agree on a price. This girl, I don’t know what the fuck she thought she was doing.
Smallpox How’d she get in touch with you?
Cancer Tuberculosis. She had TB when she was a little kid, and she kept his details after they got rid of him with antibiotics.
Smallpox So what did she want with you?
Cancer Well that’s what fucking blew my mind. When she finally does speak up, she tells me she wants to hire me to tackle a city for a month. A city. For a month. I said ‘Girl, I’m Cancer.’ She said ‘I know.’
Smallpox She clearly doesn’t know, if she wants you for a month.
Cancer I said what can I do in a month? I can start a few tumours, get the ball rolling here and there, but then what? I told her I’m a craftsman. I do beautiful work, irreversible work. Incurable work. But it takes time. And a city? I can’t just run over the rooftops dropping tumours down the chimney into everybody’s christmas stocking.
Smallpox If she wants a city she should have spoken to Pneumonia.
Cancer Or you. I told her, why not speak with Smallpox? He comes in to town, forty hours later everyone’s dripping with sores. Forty hours after that, gutters lined with bodies.
Smallpox Not quite that effective…
Cancer No, take the praise. You’re good at what you do. I’ve always said, Smallpox is an artist, just like me. But where my canvas is inside a single cell, his canvas can spread wider than countries.
Smallpox Thank you, Cancer.
Cancer No thanks required.
Smallpox So what did she say?
Cancer She said she wanted to speak with a couple of other people before she made any decisions.
Smallpox Do you know who else she’s speaking with?
Cancer Pretty sure.
Smallpox This girl must be offering something pretty special to get HIV to the table.
Cancer She is.
Smallpox Do you mind if I…?
Cancer I’m not going to tell you.
Smallpox Fair enough. But HIV… wow. You know Anorexia and Parkinson’s told me that last job HIV did, she got paid 900 square kilometres of temperate forest?
Cancer Can we not talk about her, please?
Smallpox Yeah, no, forget about her, Cancer. She’s been lucky, that’s all she’s got going for her.
Cancer Don’t bullshit me. She’s brilliant. She’s the best.
Cancer She’s not coming tonight, is she?
Smallpox Christ no.
MC Ladies and gentlemen, can I ask you to make welcome to the stage, is she out there – Diorrhea!
MC Diorrhea, are you out there? Can anyone see her – ah, there she is. Okay, here’s the mic – ladies and gentlemen, Diorrhea has picked a lovely track to sing tonight. By the Rolling Stones, this is ‘Little by Little.’ Take it away, Diorrhea!
music – The Rolling Stones ‘Little by Little’
Diorrhea Thanks so much. All right.
(sings) Tried to slay you last night
Slay you in my heart
Girl I was afraid
Of what I was looking for
Little by little, I’m
Losing my love for you…
Little by little, I’ve
Found out you weren’t true.
Alz Hey, it’s little Scratchy-Scratch.
Rabies Oh, fuck that. What are they doing letting this little shit in? He’ll stink the joint up.
Alz Hey Scabies! Scabies, what you doing, man?
Scabies Hey guys. Hey Rabies, what’s happening?
Rabies I’m trying to pick a fucking song.
Alz What’s new with new, Scabies?
Scabies Oh, you know, just kicking along.
Alz Heard any funny lines recently?
Scabies Oh, you know, not really.
Alz I heard one the other day I liked, maybe you know it. Little sister and big sister sitting on the edge of the bed, and they both keep scratching. So big sister says-
Scabies Yeah, all right, very funny.
Alz What’s the matter?
Scabies Nothing. I get it.
Alz No, wait for it, you want to hear this. Big sister says ‘I feel like I’ve got a bunch of rats trying to claw their way into my pubes.’ Little Sister says-
Scabies Little sister says fuck you.
Alz What did you say?
Scabies You heard me.
Alz Say that again.
Scabies You want to know something, Alzheimer’s? You’re a prissy little stuck up bitch. You think it’s all funny humiliating me every chance you get, like you’re some kind of cool bigshot. You reckon STDs are funny? You know what I think’s funny: I think it’s funny watching a crappy dementia for old people standing next to a disease for dogs.
The Avenger Boys’ third album is a hard-hitting, inflammatory document exploring racial issues. Race to the Watermelon brings the potent destructiveness of The Man Who Hates Fun to the forefront, while still featuring some dizzying moments of mystery and sensitivity from the Fun Who Hates Man.
Still a fan favourite, Watermelon features songs such as Intruding in my bathroom and Religious Memes Are Very Simple, which have become staples of the Boys’ live set. The album closes with 89 minute CD player destroying epic No Donuts For Black People, I’m Afraid, which renders the CD unplayable in almost all standard players and has yet earned second place in The Wire‘s Top 5 Closing Tracks of All Time listing.
1. Don’t panic about the nation state
2. Handle global entities
3. Intruding in my bathroom
4. The need to have a war on poverty
5. The superiority of the nation-state meme
6. Empty niche
7. Bag a big rhino made of lego
8. Religious memes are very simple
9. Good suicide and cluster bombs
10. This always happens
11. Intruding in my empire (reprise)
12. Donuts for whites only I’m afraid
The Donut Gringo Avenger Boys‘ fifth and most recent album, Harsh and Synchronised, is a superb example of the pop-hop smash-and-grab loungetronica the Boys have become so rightly known for. With a savage blend of rabid experimentation, instrumental and lyrical technique, and unfailing pop sensibility, Harsh and Synchronised deserves to occupy your stereo system until the third and final record from DGAB’s trilogy released through BMI.
Tracks like Featuring Michael Bailey with PRACTICALISM and The Donut Gringo Avenger Boys Fight Each Other To The Death Everywhere All The Time have earned H&S serious radio play across the planet, while album finale A.R.A.F. (presciently predicted by John Peel in his 2002 interview with the Boys) is an awe-inspiring sweep across the musical plateau of the 19th, 20th and 21st centuries. Combined with the Boys’ recent announcement that they will be returning to their roots and playing exclusively in carparks for the foreseeable future, Harsh and Synchronised has quickly become a fan favourite.
1. Featuring Michael Bailey with PRACTICALISM
2. Welcome home, babykillers!
3. The Donut Gringo Avenger Boys Fight Each Other To The Death Everywhere All The Time (featuring Sound of Future)
4. Mute gargles cable 5555555555
5. In the head with a gun
5.05. Everything does that, moron
Featuring Michael Bailey with PRACTICALISM
FEATURING MICHAEL BAILEY WITH PRACTICALISM! HITTING ME IN THE FUCKING HEAD WITH A CHAIR! Yes, I am several types of angry. …tingalingalingalingalingaling… I want to love you! Come here, you horrible man! I will cuddles you! Come here and give me a manly hug, spring-masturbating fool!
In the head with a gun
he’d shoot malcolm fraser
he’d shoot malcolm fraser in the head
he’d shoot malcolm fraser in the head with a gun
with a gun?
a gun, a gun, a rifle, a gun
he’d shoot malcolm fraser in the head with a gun
ah, charlie chaplin.
he’d shoot charlie chaplin
he’d shoot charlie chaplin in the head
he’d shoot charlie chaplin in the head with a gun
with a gun?
a gun, a gun, a rifle, a gun
he’d shoot malcolm fraser in the head with a gun
ah, marlon brando
he’d shoot marlon brando
he’d shoot marlon brando in the head
he’d shoot marlon brando in the the head with a gun
with a gun?
a gun, a gun, a rifle, a gun
he’d shoot marlon brando in the godfather in the head
with a gun
ah, clark gable.
He’d put Clark Gable on the Electric Chair
He’d put Clark Gable on the Electric Chair
He’d put Clark Gable on the Electric Chair
Unvaccinated cascade penstemon cartoon the wrecked silver ass ream anal fuck bitch fir with unresolvable Department of Health and Human Services. Second conveyancer shirk anal fuck the ass ream anal fuck bitch treble landside with cymose Notonectidae. Naturally occurring needlewood brandish the indicative bicycle ass ream anal fuck bitch with unfruitful oleander fern. Broad Pharomacrus dip the home-baked Craigie with learned ass ream anal fuck bitch peek. Unsupportable whammy overreach the ladylike man hour with begotten ass ream anal fuck bitch stylus. Returning ass ream anal fuck bitch irreversible process sabotage the bound(p) isolation with sixtieth Tamarindus. Bullate Western silvery ass ream anal fuck bitch aster sell off the obligatory sugar water with parturient unstratified language. Rascally ass ream anal fuck bitch…
This interview was recorded in October 1999 and was published in The Wire magazine in March 2000. It covers the formation of the Avenger Boys from the ashes of 90s techno/fighting collective The Donuts, and the recording of their first album, Destination: Brain.
I meet with the Donut Gringo Avenger Boys by the side of a river near sunset. The jungle is creaking and bellowing with a thousand mysterious noises, and we sit on the hull of an upturned canoe. The Fun Who Hates Man aka blind is extremely animated, pushing back his paper bandanna and throwing handfuls of sweat off his forehead into the river. The Man Who Hates Fun aka mute sits quietly, scraping thin strips of hallucinogenic bark from the trunk of a small Yage sapling and laying them to soak in a bowl of cold water. The Boys are leaving tomorrow morning before dawn on a spirit journey up the river, to source and record new material for their upcoming fifth album: Harsh and Synchronised. At fifteen minute intervals they each take a gulp of the yage infused water. This ritual will go on all night, then sometime around midafternoon tomorrow, the madness will start to descend. Typically, a ritual like this can last anywhere between eight days and a fortnight. As blind puts it: ‘More than enough time to record an album.’
I ask the Boys about their origins, as two of the fourteen members of groundbreaking techno/martial arts outfit The Donuts. Blind explains: ‘You see basically The Donuts were a reaction against the simplicity of DJing in the late 80s. When we started up, in 1990, you could get a synthesiser or a pair of turntables to produce 180 beats per minute, easily. What the Donuts did that was quite innovative was to have six guys on turntables, side by side. All producing beats.’
‘Not particularly good beats,’ interjects mute. ‘It was sort of like a sweatshop of techno. One beat gets created, passed down the line, mechanically reproduced. And with the turntables and sound-systems that were around at the time, particularly in Canberra, Australia, it was an unbelievably inefficient and cumbersome way of working.’
As well as having the most wasteful and ineffective sound setup in the southern hemisphere, the Donuts were famed for the eight martial artists who formed a crucial part of the collective. ‘You’d go to a Donuts gig and you’d think, please, jesus, maybe the martial artists will forget to show,’ says mute. ‘But one of the eight would always remember, and then call the other seven.’ The main contribution of the eight martial artists were their unarmed, unprovoked assaults on their surroundings. ‘Some nights they’d hit each other,’ remembers mute, ‘some nights it was the DJs, some nights it was the audience. If we were doing a forest rave, they used to fight trees and rivers.’
It was this high-octane mix of violence and unprofessionalism that contributed to the Donuts’ spectacular downfall in 1997. ‘Yeah, people talk about the end of the Donuts a lot,’ says blind. ‘It’s like, you’re a band for seven years and you get a little bit of public attention. Then there’s a murder within the group, or two or three murders, and suddenly you’re front page news.’ When the sprawling 21 month court case drew to its close and four of the surviving Donuts were given life-sentences, the group was officially disbanded.
From these ashes rose the Donut Gringo Avenger Boys as we know them today. Says mute: ‘From that point, I think blind and I both needed some time out to punch some children in the guts. So we grabbed whatever instruments we could fit in our luggage and headed to Chelyabinsk, in Central Russia. We’d both heard great things about Chelyabinsk.’ And did it live up to their expectations? ‘Hell yes! Chelyabinsk was great. Then we headed west to Magnitogorsk, and that was fantastic, too. And then blind had always wanted to visit Ufa, and it seemed foolish not to drop by when we were so close, and that turned out to be great as well.’
In the end, blind and mute travelled through Central Russia, Kazakhstan and Turkmenistan for two years (1997 – 99). They funded their travel by hiring themselves out as troubadours to political extremists. Says blind: ‘We played some great gigs for Chechnyan rebel organisations, we were really in demand after that. But we both hated – we still hate – playing gigs for groups who claimed to be rebelling, but were actually just bandits or dreamers or idealists. So we made a point of only performing who were willing to kill for what they believed in.’
‘And we made them prove it,’ says mute. ‘We played some amazing gigs that way. When you’ve got a crowd that’s willing to kill their hostages in cold blood just to see you pick up your instruments, you can’t imagine how wild they’ll go when you really start pumping.’
Upon their return to Australia, The Donut Gringo Avenger Boys used the material they’d written and performed over the last two years and forged it into their debut album as a duo: the critically acclaimed Destination: Brain. Lauded as the ‘album to end all albums’, numerous reviewers remarked upon its ability to kill creativity in the listener. ‘There are many albums that take a step forward in terms of style, content or technique. There are very few albums that not only don’t take a step forward, but also hold others back from progressing.’ (The Wire, Sep 1999) I ask the Boys about their feelings on the reaction to Destination: Brain.
‘Well if you’ve had an effect on people,’ says blind. ‘If you’ve affected them through your art, then that’s really all you can aim to do. If the effect has been a negative one – if you’ve created a piece of music that actually damages the brain of the listener and obstructs their ability to exercise their imagination for ever afterwards – then that’s pretty good as well.’
mute and blind are The Man Who Hates Fun and The Fun Who Hates Man
The Avenger Boys are a savage and unpredictable duo of Mute (The Man Who Hates Fun) and blind (The Fun Who Hates Man). Since forming in Canberra, Australia, from the ashes of 14-piece techno/martial arts combo The Donuts in 1999, the Avenger Boys have been pioneering their unique brand of smash-and-grab loungetronica. With five albums, a 3-record deal with a major record label and a string of tours across Central and Northern Asia, the Boys have returned to their roots and will be rocking out ONLY IN CARPARKS for the foreseeable future.
Get more info, read lyrics and download sample tracks from the Avenger Boys’ most recent album Harsh and Synchronised right here!
NEW INTERVIEW WITH DGAB! In the final fortnight of 2007, popular childrens’ author Simon the Zealot conducted an interview with The Man Who Hates Fun and The Fun Who Hates Man to get the lowdown on their recent tour-blitz. Hear it from the Boys themselvezzzzzz…
why haven’t the people heard anything new from you recently? BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN SLAVING LIKE FUCK TOURING A WHOLE BUNCH OF FESTIVALS AROUND THE WORLD
what are some of the festivals at which DGAB have recently played? YOU WOULDNT KNO THEM, THEY WOULDNT HAVE YOUR KIND AT FESTIVALS LIKE THESE
why is that, do you think? BECAUSE YOUR A BUTTON DOWN REPORTER SUIT AND TIE SLIME TWAT AND THESE ARE FESTIVALS FOR FREEDOM FIGHTERS
where has your touring schedule taken you in the last several months? KOREA. MEXICO CITY. RUSSIA. MONGOLIA. INDONESIA. CHILE. THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. NIGER. MADAGASCAR. IS THAT ENOUGH? DO YOU GRASP THAT WE’VE BEEN BUSY, YOU DUMB BOYGIRL?
is is true that DGAB is about to release a cover recording of Angela Chang’s Beijing Top Ten hit ‘Aurora’? IS WHAT TRUE, FUCKER? CAN YOU PHRASE THAT AS A QUESTION?
it is true, isn’t it, that DGAB has recorded a cover of the mainstream Chinese pop hit ‘Aurora’ by Taiwanese pop singer and actress Angela Chang, adapted for the Gringo Avenger Boys’ unique Factory-Floor Acro-balance-core style, after DGAB saw Chang’s impressive performance of Zhang Yusheng’s “The Day Without ??????” at the Rothernacker Village Festival Singing Contest in Canada in 1998 while The Man Who Hates Fun and The Fun Who Hates Man were negotiating the sale of weapons and communications technology to a terrorist cell working from a Lutheran monastery in the Canadian Rockies? WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Few people know that long ago, this land was not ruled by people. Long before the first caveman ever stepped out of his cave, the planet earth was commanded by a mighty race of giant animaloids. Their names have passed into the history books alongside Christopher Columbus, Julius Caesar and Bonnie and Clyde; names such as Diprotodon, Sauropholus, Struthiomimus and Muttaburrasaurus. They were the first life forms, and they straddled the earth from its very birth. They… were the dinosaurs.
image by frosty
The DINOSAUR CONCEPT ALBUM features a series of collaborations between myself and more than 55 musicians from Buenos Aires, Salamanca, Athens, Madrid and Buenos Aires. With this record, I aim to bring back the great love and respect that we all once had for dinosaurs – a proper acknowledgment that the dinosaurs ruled the earth for more than 800 weeks before they were put to death, in one of the most shocking executions that the Great Hangman* has ever carried out. Every track highlights a different dinosaur, exploring facets of the great amphibians that are frequently ignored in more ‘mainstream‘ releases.
More than 30,000 tracks have been produced so far, comprising an astonishing 104 days’ worth of back-to-back dinosaur songs, stored on computers and data-disks spread across 119 square kilometres of Fijian soil. Some of the most iconic tracks have already developed cult followings in Fijian discotheques and churches, while others have been denounced by martial artists spokespersons for disparaging unarmed combat. What follows here is a collection (a sampler, if you will), of the cream of the album – free to download, to guzzle up and absorb into your every ragged pore:
Download blind and friends – Dinosaur Concept Album:
ebb Make it the television. Bring with a cop drama.
nes What country of origin?
ebb The United States.
nes Yes that’s right Ebb, I concur. Their plots and characters are awful bordering on insane but their camerawork
ebb It’s pretty.
nes It’s twenty thousand dollars a minute pretty. I swear the lighting in these cop dramas is so good you could crinkle their shiny foreheads like paper
ebb Now shut up. Here we go. What do you call this?
amp It’s a guy and a girl walking.
ebb Yes but what do you call that?
amp A guy and a girl walking.
ebb Wrong! Not because you’re factually wrong, but because there’s so much more going on you haven’t mentioned.
nes Like they’re in a police station. They’re police officers. Probably detectives because of the suits. They’re on some kind of case, they’re discussing it while they walk.
amp Why is it a police station? It looks like an office.
ebb Yes. It’s probably the same set they use to film lawyer dramas. It’s meant to be a police station right now.
nes It’s portraying a police station.
ebb That’s right.
nes The studio is playing the part of a police station
ebb It’s like the studio is an actor playing the role of the cop shop. But unlike the other actors, the producers haven’t bothered making it look anything like what it’s supposed to be.
nes Yes they have! Look where they’ve walked to – how many office buildings have a forensics lab in them?
ebb Is that a forensics lab?
nes Well it’s a body on a table and a guy picking at him with a scalpel.
amp I don’t know if police stations usually have walk in forensics labs just behind the water cooler.
ebb Well if the detectives need information about a dead body and they need it now-
nes That’s right, this guy with the labcoat and the knife has important information and it can’t wait.
ebb It impacts on the case
amp Okay, the victim was a black market diamond trader.
amp Apparently the grit in the victim’s eyes contains traces of soil which is only found in African diamond mines. He must have been appraising some new stolen diamond to add to his collection, he held it up to the light and blew the dust off – oh! A couple of grains get caught in his eyes. And then he was killed.
nes But this raises as many questions as it solves!
ebb It certainly does. For instance – where is the diamond that this man died for? Why wasn’t it at the scene of the crime?
amp It might have been. We haven’t heard any of the plot, we don’t know what’s going on.
ebb I’m pretty confident that the diamond is out there somewhere – and when they find that diamond, I think they’ve found their killer.
nes Wait, check it out – the boy detective’s had a hunch!
ebb What kind of a hunch?
amp He just asked ‘Was there a set of speakers in the room when Daniel Caine was killed?’
nes And the female detective says ‘I think so, why?’ and he runs out of the room without saying anything.
ebb Where might this be leading?
nes It’s too early to say, Ebb, but I’m confident that these guys can g et to the bottom of this before the killer strikes again.
ebb Well they’d better, because right now the tension in this city’s crackling in the air like electricity, and if Officer Squarejaw and Detective Pinup don’t find the man responsible, I think the whole south quarter might blow.
ebb I’m afraid so.
nes Holy shit? Who’s this?
amp This is the other wing of the investigation.
nes They’re in some kind of technological jungle! Look at all those computer screens!
amp He’s the computer geek.
ebb Which makes her the hot, available younger detective.
nes I’d like to detect her!
ebb Don’t! Behind that bubbly, playful exterior is a serious, dedicated young woman trying to make a difference in the struggle against murderers.
nes Which is only fair, after her daddy was shot by that pimp on the street that time.
ebb Yeah, that was a turning point for young miss girl. Her dad, a dedicated street cop who kept his beat clean for twenty eight years-
nes -and she loved him. She was always Daddy’s little girl –
ebb And she was the apple of his eyes, you better believe it. When a man like that gets shot in the street by a pimp-
nes -a pimp on crack-
ebb -a crackpimp, it’s gonna affect you. Now don’t get me wrong, she’s got a heart of gold, but if four-eyes here tries to make a joke with her about how she can punch his keyboard or whatever, she’s gonna freeze him with those cold eyes-
nes Cut the crap, Lucas! What have you got from the security footage?
amp Something about the jacket the murderer was wearing. Watch, he’s zooming in.
nes The computer is highlighting the seam on the jacket the murderer was wearing. The murderer’s jacket seam is slightly torn! But what can that tell us?
amp Wait for it, he’s got a special program that analyses the image of the jacket seam from the security footage and compares it with other images of other jacket seams.
nes Oh, Seambot, you crafty program! Is there no seam you cannot analyse?
ebb Wait, he’s found a match! What’s this?
amp Footage from the airport. Arrivals off Flight 612, fifty five hours ago.
ebb Five hours before the murder. But wait, look at that jacket – the seam – it cannot be!
nes Yes! Seambot has found a perfect match! 100% correlation between the two seams!
ebb But that means…
amp It’s the same jacket.
ebb But that means…
amp The guy in the airport getting off Flight 612 is the same guy as in the security camera footage from the murder scene.
nes Then they’ve found the murderer!
amp Can I just point out how insane this Seambot program is? We’re talking about a program that looks for a particular configuration of pixels and somehow turns that into a perfect computer model of the seam of someone’s jacket that you saw in shitty security camera resolution, then the program goes through every frame of every piece of surveillance footage from the whole city from the whole last week and finds a match within ten seconds?
nes It’s Seambot.
amp Look, see how when they zoom in on the man’s shoulder and the image gets sharper the closer they go?
amp They zoom around the back of his shoulder. You can’t zoom around things when you’ve got a fixed camera! The security footage can’t see through flesh and bone!
ebb Looks like the computer geek disagrees with you, Amp. Now who should I believe? On the one hand there’s Amp, who knows how to change the background on his desktop. On the other hand, there’s a professional whiz-kid computer prodigy working for the police department in a major city, probably Houston or Atlanta or Ohio State, who can go from security camera footage of a guy in an airport to getting that guy’s passport details, name, address and criminal record in twenty seconds flat.
nes So where’s this guy from?
amp Apparently Flight 612 was from Africa.
ebb Africa. Of course. The home of African diamond mines.
nes If that African diamond came from anywhere, it came from Africa.
ebb Good work, whiz-kid. You helped put together an important piece of the puzzle. But now you stay there and let Detective Young and Husky put that information into action.