disease play


Downstairs in a nasty cheap kareoke club.

Alzheimer’s What’s on this Chilli Peppers best of?

Rabies No Blood Sugar Sex Magick. Fuck it.

Alz There’s good stuff, though. Aeroplane. Soul to Squeeze.

Rabies If I’m gonna do Red Hot Chilli Peppers kareoke, I’m gonna do Blood Sugar. I need something I can get up there and scream and snarl. You can’t scream Soul to Squeeze. I’m looking for some Iggy Pop or Sex Pistols or the Clash.

Alz Just relax and sing, man. It’s stupid being self-conscious cause you can’t sing. None of us can sing.

Rabies Diorrhea can sing.

Alz Yeah, she’s got a beautiful voice, doesn’t she?

Rabies Wet and hot and slick. Is she singing anything?

Alz Dioorhea, are you singing something?

Diorrhea Yeah, I put my name down for the Rolling Stones.

Rabies There’s no fucking punk in this list.

Alz Yeah, it’s a shit selection. Ah, hey, they’ve got some hiphop. Fuck it, I’m doing this one.

Rabies Who is it?

Alz Ice-T ‘You played yourself’.

Rabies I’m gonna keep looking.

Alz Good luck.



Cancer So I’m stirring the cream into my coffee, and she’s just sitting there with a folder on her knees, not saying anything. And I’m not saying anything. I never speak first.

Smallpox No, it’s bad policy to talk first. They should understand that.

Cancer Well most of them do. Most of them know that to even meet with one us is pretty serious business. For them and for us. So they do their research, they bring all the information you need, and usually all you have to do is agree on a price. This girl, I don’t know what the fuck she thought she was doing.

Smallpox How’d she get in touch with you?

Cancer Tuberculosis. She had TB when she was a little kid, and she kept his details after they got rid of him with antibiotics.

Smallpox So what did she want with you?

Cancer Well that’s what fucking blew my mind. When she finally does speak up, she tells me she wants to hire me to tackle a city for a month. A city. For a month. I said ‘Girl, I’m Cancer.’ She said ‘I know.’

Smallpox She clearly doesn’t know, if she wants you for a month.

Cancer I said what can I do in a month? I can start a few tumours, get the ball rolling here and there, but then what? I told her I’m a craftsman. I do beautiful work, irreversible work. Incurable work. But it takes time. And a city? I can’t just run over the rooftops dropping tumours down the chimney into everybody’s christmas stocking.

Smallpox If she wants a city she should have spoken to Pneumonia.

Cancer Or you. I told her, why not speak with Smallpox? He comes in to town, forty hours later everyone’s dripping with sores. Forty hours after that, gutters lined with bodies.

Smallpox Not quite that effective…

Cancer No, take the praise. You’re good at what you do. I’ve always said, Smallpox is an artist, just like me. But where my canvas is inside a single cell, his canvas can spread wider than countries.

Smallpox Thank you, Cancer.

Cancer No thanks required.

Smallpox So what did she say?

Cancer She said she wanted to speak with a couple of other people before she made any decisions.

Smallpox Do you know who else she’s speaking with?

Cancer HIV.

Smallpox Serious?

Cancer Pretty sure.

Smallpox This girl must be offering something pretty special to get HIV to the table.

Cancer She is.

Smallpox Do you mind if I…?

Cancer I’m not going to tell you.

Smallpox Fair enough. But HIV… wow. You know Anorexia and Parkinson’s told me that last job HIV did, she got paid 900 square kilometres of temperate forest?

Cancer Can we not talk about her, please?

Smallpox Yeah, no, forget about her, Cancer. She’s been lucky, that’s all she’s got going for her.

Cancer Don’t bullshit me. She’s brilliant. She’s the best.

Smallpox Yeah.

Cancer She’s not coming tonight, is she?

Smallpox Christ no.



MC Ladies and gentlemen, can I ask you to make welcome to the stage, is she out there – Diorrhea!




MC Diorrhea, are you out there? Can anyone see her – ah, there she is. Okay, here’s the mic – ladies and gentlemen, Diorrhea has picked a lovely track to sing tonight. By the Rolling Stones, this is ‘Little by Little.’ Take it away, Diorrhea!


music – The Rolling Stones ‘Little by Little’


Diorrhea Thanks so much. All right.

(sings) Tried to slay you last night

Slay you in my heart

Girl I was afraid

Of what I was looking for

Little by little, I’m

Losing my love for you…

Little by little, I’ve

Found out you weren’t true.


Alz Hey, it’s little Scratchy-Scratch.

Rabies Oh, fuck that. What are they doing letting this little shit in? He’ll stink the joint up.

Alz Hey Scabies! Scabies, what you doing, man?

Scabies Hey guys. Hey Rabies, what’s happening?

Rabies I’m trying to pick a fucking song.

Alz What’s new with new, Scabies?

Scabies Oh, you know, just kicking along.

Alz Heard any funny lines recently?

Scabies Oh, you know, not really.

Alz I heard one the other day I liked, maybe you know it. Little sister and big sister sitting on the edge of the bed, and they both keep scratching. So big sister says-

Scabies Yeah, all right, very funny.

Alz What’s the matter?

Scabies Nothing. I get it.

Alz No, wait for it, you want to hear this. Big sister says ‘I feel like I’ve got a bunch of rats trying to claw their way into my pubes.’ Little Sister says-

Scabies Little sister says fuck you.

Alz What did you say?

Scabies You heard me.

Alz Say that again.

Scabies You want to know something, Alzheimer’s? You’re a prissy little stuck up bitch. You think it’s all funny humiliating me every chance you get, like you’re some kind of cool bigshot. You reckon STDs are funny? You know what I think’s funny: I think it’s funny watching a crappy dementia for old people standing next to a disease for dogs.

Rabies What did you call me?

Scabies Rabies. Dog disease.

Rabies You fucking little arse!


Rabies attacks Scabies.



DGAB: Race to the Watermelon



The Avenger Boys’ third album is a hard-hitting, inflammatory document exploring racial issues. Race to the Watermelon brings the potent destructiveness of The Man Who Hates Fun to the forefront, while still featuring some dizzying moments of mystery and sensitivity from the Fun Who Hates Man.

Still a fan favourite, Watermelon features songs such as Intruding in my bathroom and Religious Memes Are Very Simple, which have become staples of the Boys’ live set. The album closes with 89 minute CD player destroying epic No Donuts For Black People, I’m Afraid, which renders the CD unplayable in almost all standard players and has yet earned second place in The Wire‘s Top 5 Closing Tracks of All Time listing.



1. Don’t panic about the nation state
2. Handle global entities
3. Intruding in my bathroom
4. The need to have a war on poverty
5. The superiority of the nation-state meme
6. Empty niche
7. Bag a big rhino made of lego
8. Religious memes are very simple
9. Good suicide and cluster bombs
10. This always happens
11. Intruding in my empire (reprise)
12. Donuts for whites only I’m afraid

DGAB – Harsh and Synchronised


The Donut Gringo Avenger Boys‘ fifth and most recent album, Harsh and Synchronised, is a superb example of the pop-hop smash-and-grab loungetronica the Boys have become so rightly known for. With a savage blend of rabid experimentation, instrumental and lyrical technique, and unfailing pop sensibility, Harsh and Synchronised deserves to occupy your stereo system until the third and final record from DGAB’s trilogy released through BMI.

Tracks like Featuring Michael Bailey with PRACTICALISM and The Donut Gringo Avenger Boys Fight Each Other To The Death Everywhere All The Time have earned H&S serious radio play across the planet, while album finale A.R.A.F. (presciently predicted by John Peel in his 2002 interview with the Boys) is an awe-inspiring sweep across the musical plateau of the 19th, 20th and 21st centuries. Combined with the Boys’ recent announcement that they will be returning to their roots and playing exclusively in carparks for the foreseeable future, Harsh and Synchronised has quickly become a fan favourite.



1. Featuring Michael Bailey with PRACTICALISM
2. Welcome home, babykillers!
3. The Donut Gringo Avenger Boys Fight Each Other To The Death Everywhere All The Time (featuring Sound of Future)
4. Mute gargles cable 5555555555
5. In the head with a gun
5.05. Everything does that, moron
6. A.R.A.F.




Featuring Michael Bailey with PRACTICALISM

FEATURING MICHAEL BAILEY WITH PRACTICALISM! HITTING ME IN THE FUCKING HEAD WITH A CHAIR! Yes, I am several types of angry. …tingalingalingalingalingaling… I want to love you! Come here, you horrible man! I will cuddles you! Come here and give me a manly hug, spring-masturbating fool!


In the head with a gun

he’d shoot malcolm fraser
he’d shoot malcolm fraser in the head
he’d shoot malcolm fraser in the head with a gun

with a gun?

a gun, a gun, a rifle, a gun
he’d shoot malcolm fraser in the head with a gun


ah, charlie chaplin.
he’d shoot charlie chaplin
he’d shoot charlie chaplin in the head
he’d shoot charlie chaplin in the head with a gun

with a gun?

a gun, a gun, a rifle, a gun
he’d shoot malcolm fraser in the head with a gun


ah, marlon brando
he’d shoot marlon brando
he’d shoot marlon brando in the head
he’d shoot marlon brando in the the head with a gun

with a gun?

a gun, a gun, a rifle, a gun
he’d shoot marlon brando in the godfather in the head

with a gun

ah, clark gable.
He’d put Clark Gable on the Electric Chair
He’d put Clark Gable on the Electric Chair
He’d put Clark Gable on the Electric Chair



Unvaccinated cascade penstemon cartoon the wrecked silver ass ream anal fuck bitch fir with unresolvable Department of Health and Human Services. Second conveyancer shirk anal fuck the ass ream anal fuck bitch treble landside with cymose Notonectidae. Naturally occurring needlewood brandish the indicative bicycle ass ream anal fuck bitch with unfruitful oleander fern. Broad Pharomacrus dip the home-baked Craigie with learned ass ream anal fuck bitch peek. Unsupportable whammy overreach the ladylike man hour with begotten ass ream anal fuck bitch stylus. Returning ass ream anal fuck bitch irreversible process sabotage the bound(p) isolation with sixtieth Tamarindus. Bullate Western silvery ass ream anal fuck bitch aster sell off the obligatory sugar water with parturient unstratified language. Rascally ass ream anal fuck bitch…



DGAB – Destination: Brain


This interview was recorded in October 1999 and was published in The Wire magazine in March 2000. It covers the formation of the Avenger Boys from the ashes of 90s techno/fighting collective The Donuts, and the recording of their first album, Destination: Brain.


I meet with the Donut Gringo Avenger Boys by the side of a river near sunset. The jungle is creaking and bellowing with a thousand mysterious noises, and we sit on the hull of an upturned canoe. The Fun Who Hates Man aka blind is extremely animated, pushing back his paper bandanna and throwing handfuls of sweat off his forehead into the river. The Man Who Hates Fun aka mute sits quietly, scraping thin strips of hallucinogenic bark from the trunk of a small Yage sapling and laying them to soak in a bowl of cold water. The Boys are leaving tomorrow morning before dawn on a spirit journey up the river, to source and record new material for their upcoming fifth album: Harsh and Synchronised. At fifteen minute intervals they each take a gulp of the yage infused water. This ritual will go on all night, then sometime around midafternoon tomorrow, the madness will start to descend. Typically, a ritual like this can last anywhere between eight days and a fortnight. As blind puts it: ‘More than enough time to record an album.’

I ask the Boys about their origins, as two of the fourteen members of groundbreaking techno/martial arts outfit The Donuts. Blind explains: ‘You see basically The Donuts were a reaction against the simplicity of DJing in the late 80s. When we started up, in 1990, you could get a synthesiser or a pair of turntables to produce 180 beats per minute, easily. What the Donuts did that was quite innovative was to have six guys on turntables, side by side. All producing beats.’

‘Not particularly good beats,’ interjects mute. ‘It was sort of like a sweatshop of techno. One beat gets created, passed down the line, mechanically reproduced. And with the turntables and sound-systems that were around at the time, particularly in Canberra, Australia, it was an unbelievably inefficient and cumbersome way of working.’

As well as having the most wasteful and ineffective sound setup in the southern hemisphere, the Donuts were famed for the eight martial artists who formed a crucial part of the collective. ‘You’d go to a Donuts gig and you’d think, please, jesus, maybe the martial artists will forget to show,’ says mute. ‘But one of the eight would always remember, and then call the other seven.’ The main contribution of the eight martial artists were their unarmed, unprovoked assaults on their surroundings. ‘Some nights they’d hit each other,’ remembers mute, ‘some nights it was the DJs, some nights it was the audience. If we were doing a forest rave, they used to fight trees and rivers.’

It was this high-octane mix of violence and unprofessionalism that contributed to the Donuts’ spectacular downfall in 1997. ‘Yeah, people talk about the end of the Donuts a lot,’ says blind. ‘It’s like, you’re a band for seven years and you get a little bit of public attention. Then there’s a murder within the group, or two or three murders, and suddenly you’re front page news.’ When the sprawling 21 month court case drew to its close and four of the surviving Donuts were given life-sentences, the group was officially disbanded.

From these ashes rose the Donut Gringo Avenger Boys as we know them today. Says mute: ‘From that point, I think blind and I both needed some time out to punch some children in the guts. So we grabbed whatever instruments we could fit in our luggage and headed to Chelyabinsk, in Central Russia. We’d both heard great things about Chelyabinsk.’ And did it live up to their expectations? ‘Hell yes! Chelyabinsk was great. Then we headed west to Magnitogorsk, and that was fantastic, too. And then blind had always wanted to visit Ufa, and it seemed foolish not to drop by when we were so close, and that turned out to be great as well.’

In the end, blind and mute travelled through Central Russia, Kazakhstan and Turkmenistan for two years (1997 – 99). They funded their travel by hiring themselves out as troubadours to political extremists. Says blind: ‘We played some great gigs for Chechnyan rebel organisations, we were really in demand after that. But we both hated – we still hate – playing gigs for groups who claimed to be rebelling, but were actually just bandits or dreamers or idealists. So we made a point of only performing who were willing to kill for what they believed in.’

‘And we made them prove it,’ says mute. ‘We played some amazing gigs that way. When you’ve got a crowd that’s willing to kill their hostages in cold blood just to see you pick up your instruments, you can’t imagine how wild they’ll go when you really start pumping.’

Upon their return to Australia, The Donut Gringo Avenger Boys used the material they’d written and performed over the last two years and forged it into their debut album as a duo: the critically acclaimed Destination: Brain. Lauded as the ‘album to end all albums’, numerous reviewers remarked upon its ability to kill creativity in the listener. ‘There are many albums that take a step forward in terms of style, content or technique. There are very few albums that not only don’t take a step forward, but also hold others back from progressing.’ (The Wire, Sep 1999) I ask the Boys about their feelings on the reaction to Destination: Brain.

‘Well if you’ve had an effect on people,’ says blind. ‘If you’ve affected them through your art, then that’s really all you can aim to do. If the effect has been a negative one – if you’ve created a piece of music that actually damages the brain of the listener and obstructs their ability to exercise their imagination for ever afterwards – then that’s pretty good as well.’


The Donut Gringo Avenger Boys

back to blind sounds index

mute and blind are The Man Who Hates Fun and The Fun Who Hates Man

The Avenger Boys are a savage and unpredictable duo of Mute (The Man Who Hates Fun) and blind (The Fun Who Hates Man). Since forming in Canberra, Australia, from the ashes of 14-piece techno/martial arts combo The Donuts in 1999, the Avenger Boys have been pioneering their unique brand of smash-and-grab loungetronica. With five albums, a 3-record deal with a major record label and a string of tours across Central and Northern Asia, the Boys have returned to their roots and will be rocking out ONLY IN CARPARKS for the foreseeable future.

Get more info, read lyrics and download sample tracks from the Avenger Boys’ most recent album Harsh and Synchronised right here!


NEW INTERVIEW WITH DGAB! In the final fortnight of 2007, popular childrens’ author Simon the Zealot conducted an interview with The Man Who Hates Fun and The Fun Who Hates Man to get the lowdown on their recent tour-blitz. Hear it from the Boys themselvezzzzzz…

why haven’t the people heard anything new from you recently?

what are some of the festivals at which DGAB have recently played?

why is that, do you think?

where has your touring schedule taken you in the last several months?

is is true that DGAB is about to release a cover recording of Angela Chang’s Beijing Top Ten hit ‘Aurora’?

it is true, isn’t it, that DGAB has recorded a cover of the mainstream Chinese pop hit ‘Aurora’ by Taiwanese pop singer and actress Angela Chang, adapted for the Gringo Avenger Boys’ unique Factory-Floor Acro-balance-core style, after DGAB saw Chang’s impressive performance of Zhang Yusheng’s “The Day Without ??????” at the Rothernacker Village Festival Singing Contest in Canada in 1998 while The Man Who Hates Fun and The Fun Who Hates Man were negotiating the sale of weapons and communications technology to a terrorist cell working from a Lutheran monastery in the Canadian Rockies?



2007 – Harsh and Synchronised

2006 – We Hate Teachers

2003 – Race to the Watermelon

2001 – Whatever My Pants Want, My Pants Shall Have

1999 – Destination: Brain



For more background on the emergence and swelling of this dynamic team, read these interviews:

in a respected magazine: covers the downfall of the Donuts and the early period of the Avenger Boys up until the release of their first album, Destination: Brain.



Few people know that long ago, this land was not ruled by people. Long before the first caveman ever stepped out of his cave, the planet earth was commanded by a mighty race of giant animaloids. Their names have passed into the history books alongside Christopher Columbus, Julius Caesar and Bonnie and Clyde; names such as Diprotodon, Sauropholus, Struthiomimus and Muttaburrasaurus. They were the first life forms, and they straddled the earth from its very birth. They… were the dinosaurs.

image by frosty

The DINOSAUR CONCEPT ALBUM features a series of collaborations between myself and more than 55 musicians from Buenos Aires, Salamanca, Athens, Madrid and Buenos Aires. With this record, I aim to bring back the great love and respect that we all once had for dinosaurs – a proper acknowledgment that the dinosaurs ruled the earth for more than 800 weeks before they were put to death, in one of the most shocking executions that the Great Hangman* has ever carried out. Every track highlights a different dinosaur, exploring facets of the great amphibians that are frequently ignored in more ‘mainstream‘ releases.


More than 30,000 tracks have been produced so far, comprising an astonishing 104 days’ worth of back-to-back dinosaur songs, stored on computers and data-disks spread across 119 square kilometres of Fijian soil. Some of the most iconic tracks have already developed cult followings in Fijian discotheques and churches, while others have been denounced by martial artists spokespersons for disparaging unarmed combat. What follows here is a collection (a sampler, if you will), of the cream of the album – free to download, to guzzle up and absorb into your every ragged pore:

Download blind and friends – Dinosaur Concept Album:

01. blind and jack lloyd – dinosaurs are vertebrates.mp3 (3mb)
02. blind and grahame thompson – pachycephalosaurus.mp3 (1.9mb)
03. blind and reuben ingall – protoceratops.mp3 (3.1mb)
04. blind and transmissions – dimetrodon.mp3 (6.2mb)
05. blind and alison mcgregor – pterodactyl porn.mp3 (4mb)
06. blind and paul heslin – styracosaurus.mp3 (4.1mb)
07. blind and jack lloyd – the future of dinosaurs.mp3 (4mb)
08. blind and linton and felicity hartfield – anklesaurus.mp3 (3mb)

image by frosty

cop drama


ebb              Make it the television. Bring with a cop drama.

nes               What country of origin?

ebb              The United States.

nes               Yes that’s right Ebb, I concur. Their plots and characters are awful bordering on insane but their camerawork

ebb              It’s pretty.

nes               It’s twenty thousand dollars a minute pretty. I swear the lighting in these cop dramas is so good you could crinkle their shiny foreheads like paper

ebb              Now shut up. Here we go. What do you call this?

amp             It’s a guy and a girl walking.

ebb              Yes but what do you call that?

amp             A guy and a girl walking.

ebb              Wrong! Not because you’re factually wrong, but because there’s so much more going on you haven’t mentioned.

nes               Like they’re in a police station. They’re police officers. Probably detectives because of the suits. They’re on some kind of case, they’re discussing it while they walk.

amp             Why is it a police station? It looks like an office.

ebb              Yes. It’s probably the same set they use to film lawyer dramas. It’s meant to be a police station right now.

nes               It’s portraying a police station.

ebb              That’s right.

nes               The studio is playing the part of a police station

ebb              It’s like the studio is an actor playing the role of the cop shop. But unlike the other actors, the producers haven’t bothered making it look anything like what it’s supposed to be.

nes               Yes they have! Look where they’ve walked to – how many office buildings have a forensics lab in them?

ebb              Is that a forensics lab?

nes               Well it’s a body on a table and a guy picking at him with a scalpel.

amp             I don’t know if police stations usually have walk in forensics labs just behind the water cooler.

ebb              Well if the detectives need information about a dead body and they need it now-

nes               That’s right, this guy with the labcoat and the knife has important information and it can’t wait.

ebb              It impacts on the case

nes               Clearly.

amp             Okay, the victim was a black market diamond trader.

ebb              Why?

amp             Apparently the grit in the victim’s eyes contains traces of soil which is only found in African diamond mines. He must have been appraising some new stolen diamond to add to his collection, he held it up to the light and blew the dust off – oh! A couple of grains get caught in his eyes. And then he was killed.

nes               But this raises as many questions as it solves!

ebb              It certainly does. For instance – where is the diamond that this man died for? Why wasn’t it at the scene of the crime?

amp             It might have been. We haven’t heard any of the plot, we don’t know what’s going on.

ebb              I’m pretty confident that the diamond is out there somewhere – and when they find that diamond, I think they’ve found their killer.

nes               Wait, check it out – the boy detective’s had a hunch!

ebb              What kind of a hunch?

amp             He just asked ‘Was there a set of speakers in the room when Daniel Caine was killed?’

nes               And the female detective says ‘I think so, why?’ and he runs out of the room without saying anything.

ebb              Where might this be leading?

nes               It’s too early to say, Ebb, but I’m confident that these guys can g et to the bottom of this before the killer strikes again.

ebb              Well they’d better, because right now the tension in this city’s crackling in the air like electricity, and if Officer Squarejaw and Detective Pinup don’t find the man responsible, I think the whole south quarter might blow.

nes               Riots?

ebb              I’m afraid so.

nes               Holy shit? Who’s this?

amp             This is the other wing of the investigation.

nes               They’re in some kind of technological jungle! Look at all those computer screens!

amp             He’s the computer geek.

ebb              Which makes her the hot, available younger detective.

nes               I’d like to detect her!

ebb              Don’t! Behind that bubbly, playful exterior is a serious, dedicated young woman trying to make a difference in the struggle against murderers.

nes               Which is only fair, after her daddy was shot by that pimp on the street that time.

ebb              Yeah, that was a turning point for young miss girl. Her dad, a dedicated street cop who kept his beat clean for twenty eight years-

nes               -and she loved him. She was always Daddy’s little girl –

ebb              And she was the apple of his eyes, you better believe it. When a man like that gets shot in the street by a pimp-

nes               -a pimp on crack-

ebb              -a crackpimp, it’s gonna affect you. Now don’t get me wrong, she’s got a heart of gold, but if four-eyes here tries to make a joke with her about how she can punch his keyboard or whatever, she’s gonna freeze him with those cold eyes-

nes               Cut the crap, Lucas! What have you got from the security footage?

amp             Something about the jacket the murderer was wearing. Watch, he’s zooming in.

nes               The computer is highlighting the seam on the jacket the murderer was wearing. The murderer’s jacket seam is slightly torn! But what can that tell us?

amp             Wait for it, he’s got a special program that analyses the image of the jacket seam from the security footage and compares it with other images of other jacket seams.

ebb              Seambot!

nes               Oh, Seambot, you crafty program! Is there no seam you cannot analyse?

ebb              Wait, he’s found a match! What’s this?

amp             Footage from the airport. Arrivals off Flight 612, fifty five hours ago.

ebb              Five hours before the murder. But wait, look at that jacket – the seam – it cannot be!

nes               Yes! Seambot has found a perfect match! 100% correlation between the two seams!

ebb              But that means…

amp             It’s the same jacket.

ebb              But that means…

amp             The guy in the airport getting off Flight 612 is the same guy as in the security camera footage from the murder scene.

nes               Then they’ve found the murderer!

amp             Can I just point out how insane this Seambot program is? We’re talking about a program that looks for a particular configuration of pixels and somehow turns that into a perfect computer model of the seam of someone’s jacket that you saw in shitty security camera resolution, then the program goes through every frame of every piece of surveillance footage from the whole city from the whole last week and finds a match within ten seconds?

nes               It’s Seambot.

amp             Look, see how when they zoom in on the man’s shoulder and the image gets sharper the closer they go?

nes               It’s-

amp             They zoom around the back of his shoulder. You can’t zoom around things when you’ve got a fixed camera! The security footage can’t see through flesh and bone!

ebb              Looks like the computer geek disagrees with you, Amp. Now who should I believe? On the one hand there’s Amp, who knows how to change the background on his desktop. On the other hand, there’s a professional whiz-kid computer prodigy working for the police department in a major city, probably Houston or Atlanta or Ohio State, who can go from security camera footage of a guy in an airport to getting that guy’s passport details, name, address and criminal record in twenty seconds flat.

nes               So where’s this guy from?

amp             Apparently Flight 612 was from Africa.

ebb              Africa. Of course. The home of African diamond mines.

nes               If that African diamond came from anywhere, it came from Africa.

ebb              Good work, whiz-kid. You helped put together an important piece of the puzzle. But now you stay there and let Detective Young and Husky put that information into action.



creature known as the restaurant


silt, dressed in waitress blacks with an apron rolled up in one hand, getting off a bus. Behind her, good angel Ankle and bad angel Thigh advising her-

silt                 An all my love an all your love were not enough.

I am peering down at work

ankle             a mild and well trodden road

thigh              Your brain should be thankful for being alive! on an ordinary day. On a day when it will have to make decisions, and leap rapidly to obey its instincts.

silt                 That is today. It is. Wake up in the morning out of no consciousness, I wake up and there’s no thoughts in my head. I had to think a first thought and everything else followed from that.

ankle             Your mind is a cloud

thigh              Your clouds scrambled

ankle             From the moment of the first thought, your mind is awake. And after that, the thoughts grew quicker and larger and your mind started to swell-

silt                 Today starts with one good scrambled round of mind clouds slowly expanding in the hollow growing shell of my body

thigh              For just a few minutes. For just an hour or maybe two, and then

silt                 And then I will string my mind along a creature’s

thigh              Known as the restaurant.

silt                 I will start work at the restaurant.

thigh              You will direct your will towards

silt                 I will direct my will and twist my body towards the restaurant.

ankle             Look, there it is, shaking and swirling in the sun. It’s 10am. It’s sunshine. It’s carparks cafes traffic lights newsagents real estate agents petrol stations supermarkets sunshine. It’s seventeen tables inside, twelve tables outside, 144 person capacity, Turkish cuisine, coffee machine, licensed bar, two owner-managers, two chefs, two apprentice chef kitchen-hands, eleven waiting staff. It’s your restaurant.

silt                 I do the Saturday 10am until 5pm shift seating customers, taking their orders, making drinks, carrying food, cleaning tables, tallying up bills, polishing cutlery, setting tables for dinner. For seven hours I string my mind along a creature’s known as the restaurant.

ankle             The restaurant is an entirely stationary animal, like a predatory plant or a fungus. It cannot obtain sustenance by tracking and chasing its prey, so it must attract prey to it.

thigh              the restaurant pulses in a patch behind the motor registry and the TAB

gnawed by rats, hemmed in by other restaurants

but reaching its tables out as far as it can

silt                 For seven hours my purposes are the restaurant’s purposes. What it needs, I must attempt to supply.

thigh              The restaurant fears customers

even as it needs to feed from them.

it sends out drones to keep its prey at bay

to catch them in a table and cling to them there

quietly exciting the pollen from them

ankle             Potential customers can be identified in three ways. 1. They approach the waitress and ask to be seated. 2. They seat themselves. 3. They stop outside the restaurant and look at the menu.

silt                 1 & 2 – go to procedure F.E.F. 3. When a person or a group of people stop outside the restaurant and look at the menu, I approach and ask if they’d like a table. If no, return to zero. If yes, seat them and go to procedure F.E.F.

ankle             Procedure F.E.F. Bring customers a bottle of water, glasses and food menus. Ask them if they want any drinks to begin with. If yes, take their drinks order.

thigh              You will see creatures like your bosses whose minds are now only the restaurant’s. Their success is so aligned with the success of the restaurant that they no longer have independent wills. Their thoughts and actions are all directed towrads sating the restaurant’s hunger.

silt                 And today I am Chief Drone!

ankle             You are the restaurant’s physical, human representative! You are the link between the abstract food described on the menus and the actual Turkish meals created by the Saturday morning chef!

thigh              the restaurant spurts out certain drugs

that loosen customers’ wallets

draws them slowly down to its

gaping cash register tendril

silt                 Make drinks. Coffee machine. Hot water dripped through a tight fist of powdered coffee beans. A little nozzle that sprays steam into a jug of milk. Soft drinks. A small hose with buttons on the end that feed through cola and lemonade mixed from satchels of flavoured syrup. Bottles of wine opened conspicuously at the table-

silt                 Here you are, sir, the New Eden ’01?

ankle             Thank you very much.

silt                 Tiny knife on the corkscrew run around the head of the bottle, take off plastic wrap. Fold out corkscrew screw. Dig as deep as you can as straight as you can as hard as you can into the guts of the cork.

thigh              The restaurant crouches silently behind you as you pull open the wine and the table of prey silent watches you try to pull the face off the wine’s skull

ankle             Initial minutes are uncertain getting uniform on, putting phone away, cup of coffee, set out tables and umbrellas, drink menus on tables, check bookings sheet for lunch, and then by the time the first customers arrive you are in the correct mental state. Every instinct and thought process is aware that success for the restaurant means success for you:

thigh              What the restaurant wants you will do your best to provide it.

silt                 What it wants is what it will get

I the drone am well fed on Turkish coffee and torn scraps of Turkish bread with butter

I will crack instantly from job to job

thigh              Your mind will stray.

silt                 My mind will stray. It will lurch around in circles.

It will collapse in the same puddles over and over.

But it will keep turning back to the source

the few deep springs of my mind’s s interest

ankle             Your life outside the restaurant-

thigh              Your successes outside the restaurant.

ankle             It’s fine to fantasise about your other life. Fantasies like that keep parts of your mind distracted that should be distracted, the parts of your mind that do not help the restaurant, those parts fantasising tucked safely out of the way. The rest of your mind, the whole of your body, ready to capture and caress the plastic strips and metal disks with numbers on them, ease them politely sweetly out of the customers’ wallet-

silt                 So I will shrug and my body

will shrug itself – it will be no effort to turn its every shake

into a job completed, a jump for the restaurant.

ankle             No matter how many customers land in the waiting grip of the restaurant’s chairs, you can handle all of them! Their plastic strips and metal disks are the sweet sunlight the restaurant drinks down and you love them!

silt                 I do not fear sunny days.

I like the victims of my restaurant’s trap.

I operate the machinery that is the restaurant.

I can make every button on that great beast’s body

snap and buzz and flow and fire and dry.

thigh              Your earblades are always whirring.

silt                 Do not worry segnor

I have good feelings about this one.


Dance Dance Revolution

image by robyn grafkin

SEE the epic battle for freedom and equality for the students of Fluoro High!

FEEL the passion of the revolutionaries that dared to stand up to the System!

HEAR the powerful hip-hop and rock that shook Fluoro High to its very core!

BE the director and cast that dared to bring this one of a kind story to the stage!

In the corridors and classrooms of Fluoro High, the student mafia known as the Coalition rules Year 9 with an iron fist. The only law is Complete Obedience, and the only sentence is Total Destruction.

When Sarah Baker arrives at Fluoro High, she’s looking forward to fitting in and making new friends. Instead, she discovers that Year 9 at Fluoro High is a police state run by the all-seeing Coalition. When she accidentally runs afoul of the Coalition’s tame history/hiphop teacher, Sarah is targeted by the mob and forced into a corner. With a desperate band of outsiders, Sarah has no choice but to take a stand against the system. But if she wants to take on the Coalition, Sarah Baker had better be prepared to dance – dance until she’s the last woman standing.

Download Dance Dance Revolution as a Word doc.


Cast size and genders are mostly flexible. This was written for a high school / college production, but could really be performed by any company of any age.


GLENN DRAKE: leader, lover but above all – dancer
TOBY: second-in-command – more than just a yes-man
LUCKY: beat-boxer extraordinaire


SARAH BAKER: a new student from a long way away
GWEN MALKIN: the least popular girl in school
DELLAMORTE: a young fighter who tried too hard


MR CAESAR: history teacher and hip-hop fanatic
MRS ANDRONICUS: Fluoro High’s principal
SARAH’S DAD: an office-worker with one great passion


Chosei: Frozen Shape

Chosei: Frozen Shape

written by the Frozen Shape Collective (Nick McCorriston, David Finnigan, David Shaw)
produced by Opiate Productions , C-Block Theatre, Canberra, November 2002

It is 1953. In the ruins of an old prison camp deep in the Siberian snows is hidden Soviet Union’s most secret Laboratory. A Kabbalic scientist is able to predict the future of world politics by reading the patterns that appear in the board-game of Go. The players are grown from the captured sperm of Russia’s greatest enemy – sperm stolen from the wives of Adolf Hitler!

Download Chosei: Frozen Shape as a Word doc.

Our process for this script was to bring four different short stories, and over a four week production period, try to combine them together into one piece. The difficulties of cramming the characters of one story into the plot of a completely different tale forced us to make connections and develop ideas in ways that we weren’t expecting. Our source stories were:

Brian W. Aldiss – Swastika!
Greg Egan – Axiomatic
Anton Chekhov – Death of a Clerk
Jeff Noon – Homo Kareoke
Ted Chiang – 72 Letters
Tibor Fischer – A Portrait of the Artist as a Flaming Deathmonger

Muttley played Alexei Stagger, dedicated OGPU officer, who was transformed by the wicked powers of Dr John Genius into a shambling obedient zombie.

Kim Gorter as Lucky and Jack Lloyd as Hitler in Chosei: Eternal Life (photo from the Canberra Times)


Canberra Times, November 2nd, 2002, by Alanna Maclean

It’s not quite clear where Opiate Productions is headed at the moment, but the company’s current offerings do have a kind of earnest lunatic charm.

Chosei: Eternal Life is in some kind of post-Poe territory. There’s lots of cheerful horror, with a mad 1950’s B-movie Russian scientist making duplicates of Adolf Hitler and his lover (and niece) Geli Raubel so that they can predict the future by playing Go.

This piece achieves a certain success because it properly takes itself seriously. Although I’m not sure where it goes in the end, it is interesting getting there via bathtubs and injections and the cold Russian winter snow outside.